The Art Of The Quickie
Sex should be savoured, we’re told, relished and revelled in. But for all the emphasis we place on slow, languid lovemaking, foreplay for hours, switching off your phone, drawing the curtains and spending the entire day in bed, if we prioritised doing it that way we’d all probably only be having sex one Sunday a month – and that’s if you can get out of that lunch with the in-laws you RSVP’d to three weeks ago.
THE 2014 MEN’S HEALTH SEX SURVEY – A NO-SECRET-TOO-DIRTY snapshot of what pushes the buttons of over 1 000 real South African women – revealed that 28% of women feel like their sex lives are “okay, but could definitely be better”, 22% checked the “non-existent” box and a further 7% confessed “Same old, same old. Honestly, I’m bored with it”.
Really now, guys? The truth is that yes, we are all juggling any number of things at any given time (work, kids, fitness, a social life, remembering to go the bank, visit your mom and buy the dog food) and it’s all too easy for sex to take a back seat – only sadly, not literally. Waiting for the perfect moment to present itself every time is only making the situation worse.
Sexologist Megan Andelloux also points out in the opening pages of her book Hot and Fast: Sexy, Spontaneous Quickies for Passionate Orgasms that it’s not just our jammed-up schedules holding us back.
Fast-track your pleasure with a few lessons in lightning-fast lust, as well as the best opportunities to put them to practice. Whew!
THE LESSON: When the opportunity presents itself JUMP
Privacy offers opportunity. People in long-term relationships can forget that they’re just a moment of eye contact, a few whispered dirty words or a lifted skirt away from the kind of scorching sex that’d leave them panting over the kitchen counter. But remember that quickies don’t have to be mindblowing, door-rattling romps – they can be affirmations of intimacy. Sex educator Dr Laura Berman explains that much of the sex that happens between long-term couples is “maintenance sex”: “Often, it isn’t the most romantic or mind-blowing sex, but it keeps both partners intimate and close, and allows for a release of stress and tension before bed.”
PUT IT TO PRACTICE…
Maybe the kids are finaly asleep or your flatmate has popped out. Maybe your boss is playing golf and won’t notice if you’re a little late this morning or maybe it’s Friday “date night” and still at least another 15 minutes until the pizza arrives. The more you jump at the chance and nurture that intimacy, the greater your chance of revisiting the intensity that used to drive you to tear each other’s clothing off whenever you got the chance – even if you do end up late for work or with carpet burn on your elbows.
THE LESSON: SHIFT YOUR EXPECTATIONS
Studies indicate that it takes the average man 7.5 minutes to reach orgasm but it takes the average women almost three times as long, clocking in at 20 minutes. Uh, maybe that’s not-so-quickie. The reality of the quickie is that if climax is your primary driver, you’re on the wrong track (in truth, this can go for all sex). “I often hear people talk about sex like it’s a job, using the word performance to describe their sexual experiences and capabilities,” says Andelloux. “It takes the fun out of sex. Performance, as opposed to doing what you and your partner desire and communicate, takes you out of the sensations you’re desperately seeking and puts you to work.”
Get out of the mindset that sex is only successful if it results in orgasms. In fact, drop the notion that a quickie even has to equal penis-in-vagina (PIV). Andelloux argues that a quickie can range from “fingers stroking the clitoral hood” to “an orgasm experienced by delightfully grinding against your partner” to “a fondle”. “Opening ourselves up to the possibilities of having different types of sex – some of which are outlined above – allows us to create more bunny f**ks. A quickie is a building block of good sex; it just comes in bite-sized quantities.”
PUT IT TO PRACTICE
On the road. No, I’m not saying she should be going down on you while you tear down the N2 at 120km/h (not even an F1 driver would have that sort of control), but I am saying that more than 70% of the women surveyed in the 2014 MH Sex Survey reported to have had sex in a car before. What is it about doing it on a cramped backseat or with the gear stick poking her in the back that gets her engine purring?
For one, there’s the risk of getting caught, but still with the relative privacy. It also just happens to be a space where many of us spend a good chunk of our time – and hey, I can think of worse ways to wait out a traffic jam than slipping your hand down her knickers
The Lesson: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
The 2014 MH Sex Survey revealed another dirty little secret: 43% of women have fantasised about sex in public. Maybe this isn’t that surprising: more often than not, the thrill of the quickie is not in the actual intercourse but in the shared act of rebellion – doing something naughty together and hoping you don’t get caught. You’re throwing adrenaline into what’s already a heady mix of endorphins; it’s an intoxicating combination.
From hotel bathroom stalls to gym changing rooms and parking garages to even offices, the world is your oyster – and an even more potent aphrodisiac at that.
PUT IT TO PRACTICE
Ease into the idea of having sex in a place other than your bedroom somewhere new but discreet – think between courses at a dinner party, where you can slip off to the guest bedroom and hopefully have a (hopefully lockable) door between yourself and the rest of the guests.
And wherever you are, you don’t need to attempt crazy positions or even get fully undressed – there’s something incredibly hot about needing someone so urgently you don’t even have the time to get naked, plus keeping (most) of your kit on removes some of the vulnerability from the situation.
Hike up her skirt, push aside her underwear, unzip your jeans and bend her over the basin in the bathroom while the strains of conversation from the room next door filter through the door – with any luck they won’t even notice you were gone. And hey, if they do, well, just smile mysteriously and keep quiet. You won’t have been the first couple ever to slip off for a quickie.
Foreplay? Ain’t nobody got time for that when the two of you are having a secret lunchtime tryst in the office stairwell, or slipping away from the dinner table at your next family get-together. This is where your mind comes in.
First of all, always be ready for action. Andelloux suggests giving the possibility of a quickie some advance thought and preparing a sex kit with your partner – lube, condoms, a vibrator… (Even if you’re single, spontaneous sex is never an excuse for unsafe sex, so always carry condoms with you.)
Now for the next bit of mental preparation: putting the dirty part of your
mind to use, letting your thoughts, suggestions, hints and fantasies play the part usually allocated to your lips, tongues and fingers.
Think eye contact, skin brushing skin, whispers as you pass. It’s a cliché only because it’s true: your brain is your most powerful sexual organ, so start the build-up there. By the time you slip away to that supply cupboard, that quiet corner or that guestroom, the only limitation on your desire to get each other naked is how fast you can move.
PUT IT TO PRACTICE
By drawing things out. This doesn’t mean you get more than 10 minutes of skin-on-skin action, but you can use the hours leading up to that flash f**k to build up the anticipation with dirty texts and emails. Consider it digital foreplay.
Communication is one of the cornerstones of good sex, especially the quickie, as you won’t have the luxury of time to explore what she seems to respond to positively or what you might want more of. If you can’t communicate your needs effectively, high-pressure pleasure might not be your speed.