So You Want To Try Sex Toys With Her? Here’s Exactly How To Talk To Your Partner About It

"By balancing out both your and your partner’s needs, and having a healthy dialogue around why you would like to use intimate products, both your and your partner’s needs should and can be met"


Kelleigh Korevaar |

Say it with me: there’s no shame in using sex toys. Frankly, it’s quite ridiculous that in 2018 there’s still a major stigma attached to sex toys. But unfortunately there are and this can make bringing sex toys into a relationship the awkward equivalent of suggesting you bring in another person. But it really doesn’t have to be.

“The introduction of adult intimate products into the bedroom – provided that both parties are open to the idea – can bring a new-found level of enjoyment and excitement to the mundane status quo of their bedroom play. Intimate products allow couples to experience simultaneous orgasms, and a completely new and unique sensory enjoyment to that of regular intercourse,” says Brodie Meyer the Managing Director of Desir, a luxurious adult shop that’s changing the business of sex toys.

Related: This Is The Ultimate A – Z Guide Of Sex Toys For You To Try This Year

“Many couples struggle to verbalize what it is that they like, or do not like, in the bedroom and may, over time, experience frustration and dissatisfaction in this regard. This often leads to separate ideas of what intimacy should look like to you both, and in due course may lead to separate wants and needs,” says Meyer.

“We suggest gently communicating your frustrations to your partner, and slowly introduce the idea of using adult products during intimacy to add a different layer to your intimacy with one another. Sex toys, and the use thereof in a relationship, may just be the catalyst needed to get your sex life back on track,” says Meyer. With the help of Brodie, we’re here to show you how to do exactly that.

How To Go About Introducing Sex Toys:

Communication Is Key: Some conversations are more difficult than others, so approach with caution and consideration. “Often one of the partner’s may find themselves feeling inadequate and therefore threatened by the idea of the introduction of adult toys. We encourage slow and gentle discussions and reassurance that this could be something you may use together allowing you to enhance your intimacy with one-another, as opposed to replacing it with something else.”

Google Is Your Friend: Researching sex toys online with your partner and watching tutorials on how different ones work creates a space for healthy dialogue on how they can benefit your relationship and what works for both of you, says Meyer.

Related: The Beginner’s Guide To Couple’s Sex Toys

TV Talks: Don’t bring up the idea out of the blue with no warning. One of the best ways to introduce a topic you want to talk about, not even just sex toys, is to relate it to the situation at hand. Saying “I wonder what it would be like to use that” after a sex scene is much better than “I think our sex life needs to be spiced up with some toys, look what I bought you” mid-sex.

How NOT to Go About Introducing Sex Toys:

Inclusive Intimacy: “Be sure to be inclusive in your journey. Even though the product may be designed to stimulate you independently, your partner is still part of your experience, and wants to feel included in the process. Be sure to touch, stroke, and make eye contact with your partner and allow him/her to be part of your enjoyment.”

Lather On The Lube: “Always use a good lubricant – sex toys, although made from luxury body-safe silicone, can be difficult to insert if your body is not prepared for sex. Make sure you use a good quality water-based lubricant and better yet allow your partner to gently massage during foreplay to enhance your intimate experience together.”

Learn Limits: “Never try anything with your intimate products without prior consent from your partner. Ensure you maintain constant dialogue and openly discuss and question what you or they do or do not like – and respect their limits.”

Related: Would You Try These Sex Toys For Men​?

Don’t Double Dip: “Whilst it may become exciting to use your toy on him and her consecutively – remember to always clean your product prior to insertion as cross-infection could occur and transmit STI’s. Remember to use a condom where necessary – even over your toy,” says Meyer.

What To Use If You’re Both Interested in Trying Sex Toys:

We-Vibe Sync Adjustable Couple’s Vibrator (R3 299, Buy It Here)

“This product has been tried and tested and whilst it may feel a bit clumsy to use in the beginning, perseverance will allow both you and your partner to enjoy the most magnificent sensations and stimulation. It also allows hands-free play, which means you can still give yourself and your partner all the attention you require,” says Meyer.

Fifty Shades Darker Release Together Penis Ring (R1 199, Buy It Here)

“For something a little less clumsy, we suggest the Fifty Shades Darker Release Together Penis Ring. This product is designed to be worn by him, and features a vibrator at the top of the ring that stimulates her clitoris during penetration. With the ring gently restricting his blood flow, it allows for prolonged intercourse, harder erections, and delayed ejaculation, all whilst she can enjoy the vibrations on the tip of the ring to allow for intense orgasms. Re-useable and stretchy in fit, this ring is the perfect starter toy to get you both talking about adult toys and the benefits which these may have for you both,” explains Meyer.

What To Use If Your Partner Isn’t As Into Trying Sex Toys As You:

Your partner might not be as excited about it as you and you need to react accordingly. “Be sure to be inclusive and reassuring, all the while encouraging healthy conversation,” says Meyer.

Think about why your partner might be reluctant and talk about it without pushing your agenda. “Most couples have conversations with regards to ‘why’ you feel the need to introduce intimate toys into the bedroom, and more than not, the partner opposed to the idea is generally feel threatened by the idea and may feel that he/she is being replaced or is not ‘good enough’. A gentle conversation about how intimate products can enhance your relationship as opposed to isolating your partner, may make them feel more assured and more inclined to try,” says Meyer.

“There are a multitude of premium branded couples toys, so whilst the idea of using a solo toy may be intimidating, why not suggest a product that can stimulate you both at the same time thereby encouraging togetherness as opposed to solo play.”

Consider The Fifty Shades Darker Release Together Penis Ring (above) which Meyer says is best for those who are into sex toys and also those who are slightly reluctant OR

Nex1 Vibrating Panty Set (R 2 199, Buy It Here)

“This Vibrating Panty is the perfect addition for the partner that needs convincing. With a remote control, the panty-fitting vibrator is worn by her, and allows your partner to have absolute control of her stimulation and pleasure. Discreet enough to be worn out, this vibrator brings an entirely different dimension of play to your relationship, and whilst it provides her with the most intense pleasure, it is completely inclusive in that it puts your partner in the driving seat!”

What To Use If You Want To Spice Up Your Sex Life Without The More Intense Toys:

Fifty Shades Freed Awash (R 2 299, Buy It Here)

This 10 speed wand vibrator is designed to offer you varied stimulation. If you’re just starting out it’s made to be an all-over body massager that will leave you feeling relaxed. Once you get more comfortable you can start to play around with it and take it to more intimate areas. It’s the perfect introductory toy.

Fifty Shades of Grey Romantic Couples Kit (R995, Buy It Here)

Featuring 6 soft bondage toys, this kit is the perfect way to spice up your sex life and was specifically designed for beginners. Tease each other with a feather toy or use the blindfold to really up the suspense. It comes with toys that are mild like satin ribbons that can be used as ties or handcuffs and toys. And then a couple toys that you can put on yourself (cock ring) or use on your partner (finger vibrator).

Lust Fantasty Massage Wax (R229.94, Buy It Here)

Massage candles are great because they introduce the idea of having something in the bedroom other than just your two bodies and they allow you to really get in touch with one another. “Warm and seductive, these unique aromatherapy candles ease you and your lover on a romantic journey. Travel to a world of pure bliss with this incredibly rich and sensual floral scented cocoa butter,” says passionfruit.co.za, an online adult shop.

Related: The Perfect Start To Foreplay: How To Give Her An Amazing Massage

Remember: “By balancing out both your and your partner’s needs, and having a healthy dialogue around why you would like to use intimate products, both your and your partner’s needs should and can be met – even with the introduction of an adult toy,” says Meyer.

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