How To Upgrade Your Sex Life
Put a fresh spin on these five overrated acts – and enjoy scorching-hot sex
You’re great in bed. You give her thigh-quaking, head-tossing, bedspread-gripping orgasms. You’re open-minded, too, which keeps things interesting. But admit it: once in a while you try a bit too hard, throwing down moves that, frankly, flop.
You’re not alone. We’ve all heard plenty of misinformation about which techniques are truly hot and which are best left on the porn set. “Men have ideas about what sex should be like, but some of those ideas are impractical and very limiting,” says sex educator Lou Paget, author of The Great Lover Playbook.
Take marathon sex. It sounds great, but nobody wants to make love for that long in real life. And how about those classic body-entangling attempts at simultaneous stimulation? More awkward than amazing, our experts say. So shelve those strategies and try our smarter, sexier alternatives, which can take your bedroom game from great to greatest.
Old move: Sex in the shower
In the movies, the scenes always look terrific – soaking-wet bodies in slow motion, dripping with passion. But tubs and tiles can be slippery, and water washes away natural lubrication. Add to that the already complicated logistics of stand-up sex: if you and your partner don’t have the perfect height disparity, someone’s going to be attempting a precarious tiptoe manoeuvre. And finally, there’s the space problem. Unless you have a titanic tub or a supersized shower, you’ll both be constantly bumping into cold, hard surfaces.
Do this instead: Let water be your warm-up
Paget recommends doing everything in the shower except having intercourse. You can wash each other or perform oral or manual sex, but reserve penetration for when the shower’s over. Still not convinced? Then you’ll need to adjust your expectations about stand-up shower sex – and come prepared. If you’re committed to trying full-on intercourse, redirect the showerhead away from your bodies after you’ve both become aroused, or just step out of its path. And have lubricant handy.
if you’re in a tub shower, just try sex sitting down, suggests marriage and family therapist Stephen Braveman. You’ll spare yourself the potential calamity of an ill-timed slip or slide.
Old move: Finding her G-spot
The oft-repeated instruction for finding the famed G-spot involves inserting your finger about five centimetres inside her vagina and making a come-hither motion with that finger, pressing it against the top of her vaginal wall, says Dr Yvonne K Fulbright, a sex educator and author of The Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking. But not all women enjoy G-spot stimulation. In a controversial study from early 2010, researchers at King’s College London asked 1 804 twins if they had a G-spot. Forty-four percent of the women said they didn’t, and there was no correlation between twins’ answers, suggesting that your focused attention on a single spot may not, in fact, guarantee an orgasm for her.
Do this instead: Play the piano Instead of trying to push a single button
“The sensitive area can be higher, lower or to the side, and its size can vary from that of a pinky finger-nail to a 50-cent coin,” Fulbright says. You should also tailor your technique – speed, pressure and angle of approach – to the woman you’re with. “For some women, a massaging motion might be better; for others, tapping might work best,” she says. “Put your index and middle finger into the area and rock them back and forth. Keep your fingers flat and straight, and vary your pressure.” Pretend you’re playing two keys on a piano, Fulbright suggests, without curving your fingers.
Old move: Sexual Twister
Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end, oral sex is indisputably awesome. So what could be better than enjoying both at the same time? The famed 69 can certainly be a thrill – the first time, anyway – but in general it’s complicated and distracting. “The anticipated outcome is a mutual orgasm,” says Eric Marlowe Garrison, a sexuality counsellor and author of Mastering Multiple Position Sex (R182 Kalahari.net). “But most of the time, you’re concentrating so much on what’s going on in front of your face that you’re not able to become aroused yourself – or vice versa.” Plus, you’re both in constant motion, which decreases the likelihood that either of you will receive the precise pressure that works. “Her head movements will move her entire body,” says Paget.“That makes it harder for you to tame her sensitive spots.” Multitasking during oral sex means the experience won’t be particularly awesome for at least one of you.
Do this instead: Roll over
Lie on your side facing your mate’s lower half, and rest your head on her inner thigh. Have her do the same. Paget points out that stimulating each other while on your sides allows for more subtle and targeted motions. Another idea: ditch the whole idea of simultaneous oral sex and go back to taking turns. But this time, try new angles to add variety. Perform oral sex on each other while standing against a wall. If she’s on the receiving end, have her drape her leg over your shoulder to help ease your access, and if your tongue gets tired, Paget says, use your fingers and lips, and even your nose.
Old move: Marathon sex
The musician Sting is rumoured to have hours-long Tantric sex with his wife. But
according to his daughter, the rumour is false; it was started as a joke by his friend. In reality, most women don’t want to have intercourse for longer than a few minutes. A survey of sex therapists in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that seven to 13 minutes is “desirable”; and our own surveys have found that most women don’t want intercourse to last longer than 20 minutes. This might shock you, especially if you’re the kind of guy who’s spent years trying to learn how to last longer. The truth is that most of the time it’s going to take much more than just intercourse to heat her up and send her over the top.
Do this instead: Build and plateau
Varied action will drive her crazy. “The majority of women would rather have intense stimulation for a shorter period of time than continuous and unending sensation,” Paget says. Men and women reach orgasm through different paths. While a man’s arousal is like a pyramid, continuously growing until climax, “a woman’s arousal is like a staircase. She needs to build, plateau, build, plateau,” says Paget. This means you’ll need to mix it up a bit. “Get out of the genital sex mode and into the sex play mode,” Garrison says. “Many people think oral sex has to come before penetration.
Instead, use lots of sex play in general – kissing, squeezing, oral sex and so on. And do this before, during, after or even in lieu of penetration.” The great news here is that you can still have sex for hours, as long as you think of sex as any time spent rolling around naked together rather than just intercourse.
Old move: Messy endings
One particular move has taken hold among guys, thanks to its ubiquity in various porn-ography outlets: ejaculating onto her body. “It’s often interpreted as a power dynamic, indicating that the man has power over the woman, and it can be interpreted as disrespectful,” Fulbright says. That said, not all women think it’s derogatory or humiliating. “Some couples use it as a form of birth control, and some women like seeing their man ejaculate because it’s a physical sign of his pleasure,” Fulbright says. It’s also an obvious alternative resolution for oral sex. It can be messy, though. Ultimately, the key is to discuss it with your girlfriend or wife ahead of time. “A man can simply ask his partner where he should finish,” Garrison says.
Do this instead: Finish first
If she’s not into having you ejaculate on her body – and for many women, the subject isn’t negotiable – rewrite your sexual script so you can enjoy the thrill of it without offending her. You can still ejaculate externally elsewhere – on a towel, for instance – but only if your orgasm doesn’t signal the end of all sexual activities. “The trouble is that we associate orgasm with finality – that when a man orgasms, sex is over,” Garrison says. “A woman might be more inclined to allow you to ejaculate externally if she knows that it’s not necessarily the end of the encounter.”
“If she feels you’ll continue with her, and maybe have a second round together, then external ejaculation could become a part of sex and not the period at the end of the sentence.” Instead, Garrison says, act like it’s the semicolon. The exclamation mark? That comes when you’re both fully satisfied.