I Tried to Clone My Penis. Here’s What Happened
The thought took me by surprise: “Why don’t you make your dick into a dildo?” Two weeks before Valentine’s Day, I didn’t know what gift to get my girlfriend, and the idea of making a rubberized replica of my penis sprang from some strange, unfortunate corner of my mind. At least it came from a heartfelt place. My girlfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship as she finishes nursing school, and life is worse when we can’t rub our genitals together. I wouldn’t say my penis is “gift-worthy,” but for whatever reason she enjoys it.
I asked my friends: “Would a dildo of ‘myself’ make a good gift?” The response was a resounding “yes.” After my inquiry, my best friend, James, liked the idea so much that decided he, too, would craft a dildo for his girlfriend. At least I wouldn’t be venturing into uncharted territory alone. Right around this point was when we started to realise we’d overlooked a crucial part of this plan: “How does one make a dildo of one’s penis?”
Enter the Clone-A-Willy Kit
Google, we can’t thank you enough. After a cursory query, the top search result was clear: Clone-A-Willy, a DIY dildo kit. For R1230, you receive a complete “penis casting” setup that purports to yield a highly detailed mould of your penis, as well as a vibrating silicone replica of your penis.
But wait! There’s more! Your penis can be cast in one of these vibrant hues: light, deep, hot pink, jet black, and neon purple. (Fancy a glow-in-the dark replica? That’s available, too.) After finding the Clone-A-Willy kit, I immediately bought one and texted James to do the same.
What’s In the Kit?
The kit comes in a long, slender, plastic tube, and inside are: a cheap vibrator, a bag of melding powder, a small thermometer, a balsa wood stick, and two jars of silicone gel. Mix those gels together and that’s what you’ll pour to create the finished mould. The plastic tube the kit comes in isn’t just packaging; after cutting it down to size, you use it as the container for the melding mixture that you dip your erection into.
What’s Not In the Kit?
You’ll need some extra tools not supplied in the tube. The kit calls for: a measuring cup, a large mixing bowl, a timer, scissors, a disposable container to mix silicone in, and a four-inch square of cardboard, which is used to suspend the vibrator in place as the dildo’s silicone hardens around it.
How It’s Supposed to Work
“Easy to make!” the packaging shouts, with four simple steps outlined below. First, mix the melding powder with water. Next, pour the mixture into the tube and insert your erect penis. Three, pull away the mould and fill it with silicone. Lastly, slide out an exact copy of your penis. Easy, indeed!
My fantastic confidence in this endeavour and product waned considerably when I unfurled the poster-size directions. The four simple steps had transformed into more than a dozen, and the incredible specificity of each step had me in an immediate state of panic.
For example, the melding powder must be mixed with water that is exactly 32 degrees Celsius. (What happens if it’s 31 or 33 degrees? WHO KNOWS?!) You must mix the powder and 32-degree water for exactly 45 seconds, then pour the mixture into the tube as quickly as possible.
You then must hasten to shove your erect penis into the mixture “immediately,” carefully avoiding touching the sides of tube. The tone of the directions—light-hearted and humorous—outline a process that required careful, diligent planning. As the impetuous man I am, directives such as, “Timing is very important!” stress me out, and I realised how unprepared I was for the Clone A Willy’s litany of commands.
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How It Actually Worked
Not great, Bob. Turns out, I was mentally and physically unprepared to clone my willy.
Able to get all the nitty gritty of the temperatures and volumes of mixtures right, I hastily cued up some porn for inspiration. Yet, it was all overwhelming, and as I stood in my bathroom, nude, holding a mixing bowl and a cut-to-length penis tube, my spirit slowly deflated. Next to wither: my erection.
I spilled trying to pour the melding mixture into the tube and completely lost my hard-on. The quick-setting mixture lived up to its name and firmed up before I could get back in the game. It all happened so fast. I’d failed and felt like a fucking idiot.
I texted James to see if he’d had success. Nope. He, too, struggled with the melding mixture, and his curved penis kept touching the sides of the tube. (If he’d been less impatient, he would’ve seen that the Clone-A-Willy kit offers a solution for men with curved penises.)
“This kit is kind of like making pancakes except the batter is going to go bad in 90 seconds and you have to keep a boner the whole time,” James quipped. At least he managed to make a mould of the top half of his penis, allowing him to create a stubby replica of his half-boner, a neon purple “dome” that now sits on his girlfriend’s coffee table.
Learn From My Mistakes
In lieu of a Valentine’s Day gift, I wrote my girlfriend a letter explaining what I’d gone through. I finished the letter with, “I tried, I failed, but I will not give up. I need your help, my love.”
The biggest takeaway I can give you is that the Clone-A-Willy kit requires a partner, there to facilitate the process and provide support, both physically and emotionally. I’ve since bought another package of melding powder—the fact that Empire Labs sells the powder separately tells me I’m not the first to muck it all up—and I’ll try again someday, when the shame stings less.
Originally published on menshealth.com