Friends With Benefits
Great sex, no strings attached
Let the right girl in
Find out which of your friends is game and you’ll cut the strings sooner. The good news is: you know plenty of women willing to sleep with you. A 2009 study at University College London found that the longer a relationship with a female friend continues without you making a pass, the greater the likelihood of a successful seduction. “They have had more time to screen you as a potential partner,” explains study author Professor Robert Seymour. University drinking pals and school friends that have always been on the scene, but not in your bed, are ideal. Alternatively, look up friends of an ex who you always got on with, says sexual psychotherapist Paula Hall. Or if you enjoy living dangerously, Hall advises you target colleagues, whose past boyfriends share characteristics with you. Your chances are greater if she is newly single. University of Toronto research found that women see a fling as a confidence slingshot to get over a long-term relationship. So make sure you’re there for her in her time of need.
Know her sex zones
The right date venue turns something platonic into something atomic. To get friendlier than ever, take her to something that elevates her heart rate naturally, such as a gig or theme park. “This makes her associate you with the same kind of endorphin rush and excitement that she gets from sex,” says Hall. These dates also force you to cross each other’s personal space, which maximises the effect, according to research from the University of Southern California. “When people feel threatened they seek human contact, and the desire to mate becomes stronger,” says Hall.
But don’t make your move just yet. Research from Mysinglefriend.com found ending a date early, when the chemistry peaks, makes a successful seduction more likely next time.
Start the negotiations
On your next date, arrive 10 minutes late, but make sure you SMS ahead to apologise. “This tells her that you’re keen without needing her approval,” says sex therapist Sarah Collings. “You establish that you are not after a conventional relationship.” Then, tell her that you’re thinking of starting a casual relationship – but with another woman. “You have told her that’s the kind of relationship you are seeking and her competitive nature will kick in,” says Hall. “Ask if she’s ever tried it,” says Collings. A “yes” means you can find out exactly what went wrong the first time and will know what to look out for and what pitfalls to avoid. “If she says ‘no’ explain that you haven’t either but you’d like to with someone you trust.” Then it’s back to yours…
Make it happen in the bedroom
Deploy the right moves in bed to guarantee great sex with zero awkwardness. When you get back to yours, run your fingers through her hair, says Hall. This hotbed of nerve endings will awaken her primal instincts. “Focus on the area behind her ears and her hairline, where the nerve endings are concentrated.” Next, lead her to the bedroom by hand – MRI scans at the University of Virginia show that holding her hand dispels any anxiety she may have. Once the sex begins, you have to keep her arousal white-hot if you want to avoid breaks to tell her that “No, this isn’t weird”. Rub your thumb over the very centre of her nipples. Research from Sheffield University found this enhances arousal for 82% of women. Then stimulate her U-spot, an area found by researchers at the University of Chicago that leads to female ejaculation. Use a finger to draw tiny circles a few millimetres above her clitoris. This will make a fiend of your friend – and put sex on speed dial…
Don’t forget to use your tongue
Speak to her – and only her – about what’s changed. “Talk about things you’d like to try with her,” says sociologist Timothy Levine. Casual sex is perfect for experimentation so ask about her fantasies. Levine’s research found no-strings relationships last longer if you talk openly about the sex and how it has changed your relationship. While you’re candid with her, keep quiet around others. “Don’t be tempted to grab her in front of friends,” says Hall. Instead, pull her aside to plan your next rendezvous. Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found this increases her attraction to you and ramps up the anticipation for next time. Expect it to be a blinder.
Develop an exit strategy
The more often you have sex, the more she’ll want it. But to stay casual for longer, have breaks of five days every two to three weeks. Research at Texas A&M University shows her levels of oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone”, drop off if she’s not exposed to your sperm. The cooling-off period manages her body’s demand for intimacy and when you come back she’ll be back in the original spirit of the relationship.But what about when she talks about some other guy and you get a pang of jealousy? “Take it as the tipping point,” suggests Hall. Tell her that you’re starting to feel more than just horny. If you decide to call it time, minimise collateral damage by peppering the conversation with “I” statements – “I’m getting too close” or “I care more about the friendship”. “This makes her feel like she’s not being accused of anything,” says Hall. Soon, the sex becomes old news and you can settle back into your old friendship, albeit with the odd exchange of knowing smiles.G