Carnal Calendar

Men's Health |

Make this your finest sexual year, ever

WEEK 1 (1-7 JAN)

Get over the hangover

There’s a fantastic antidote to your pounding New Year hangover: upsidedown sex. Several studies have shown orgasms can alleviate headaches, and getting blood rushing to your head will oxygenate your brain and ease hangover symptoms. Put a couple of pillows on the floor at the foot of your bed. Have your partner lie on her back with her head and shoulders hanging off the edge; support yourself on the pillows with your hands and let your head hang low. You may end up in a messy heap on the floor, but after the festive celebrations, what’s new? Great sex can help you start the year with a…bang.

WEEK 2 (8-14 JAN)

On reflection…

Place a mirror strategically in the bedroom. According to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, both men and women find watching their lover an incredible turn-on.

WEEK 3 (15-21 JAN)

Give yourself a hand

When she’s sitting on top, hold your penile skin down at the base. “This means that your sensitive crown gets full friction,” says Emily Dubberley, editor of women’s sex magazine Scarlet ( “And it stops you from penetrating her as fully, so that once you let go and really go for it, you’ll come explosively.” Keep your hand completely flat and slide it between you, making a V shape with your index and middle finger to hold the skin down.

WEEK 4 (22-28 JAN)

Ice screams

It’s the height of summertime so reach for the ice. “Rather than risking losing an ice cube inside her, make lollipops.” says Dr Pam Spurr, author of Sinful Sex . “Use plain water so you do not disrupt her vaginal pH balance and risk infection.” Dip in and out, alternating with your own cone to create a tantalising hot/cold sensation.

WEEK 5 (29 JAN-4 FEB)

Doggy with style

When you’re behind her on all fours, take time out to be affectionate. “This ensures that she feels loved, even in what’s often considered a less than intimate position,” says relationship counsellor Susan Quilliam. Therefore, she’s much more likely to give the dog another bone.

WEEK 6 (5-11 FEB)

Flip out

Pancakes are a great excuse to get mucky with golden syrup and whipped cream. “Once you’re finished your flipping, let her blindfold you,” says Spurr. “She trickles syrup or squirts cream on her body, and you seek the sweet spots – with your mouth. Then it’s your turn.

WEEK 7 (12-18 FEB)

Eat her up

Use your tongue on Valentine’s Day. Tell her that you love her, then make your way downstairs to prove it. “Use a pillow under her bottom to prop up the pelvis,” says Jamie Goddard, author of Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men. “You’ll be more comfortable and have much better access too.” If she likes to see you in action, simply have her sit on the edge of the bed with you kneeling before her.

WEEK 8 (19-25 FEB)

Give up sex

Lent has arrived, but we don’t recommend abstaining for the whole 40 days. Forgoing full-on penetration once in a while is guaranteed to greatly improve your sex life, though. “Masturbating in front of each other is a great route to orgasm” says Dubberley. “It’ll improve sex for both of you because you’ll learn more about how to get each other off.” Despite the obvious advantages of mutual self-love, 40 percent of men say they never masturbate with their partners. Kick things off by kissing and touching everywhere but the genitals, then begin stimulating yourselves. “Kissing means that the experience remains two-way and makes doing such a personal thing in front of each other less threatening,” says Dubberley.

WEEK 9 (26 FEB-4 MAR)

Awaken her desire

As summertime starts drawing to a close, those dark evenings, woolly tights and a desire to stuff herself with sleepinducing carbohydrates will put a dampener on her sex drive. Get her to stay at her peak with supplements to keep her out of sexual hibernation, particularly ones containing L-arginine. The secret of L-arginine could lie in the fact that it is a substance that enhances the production of nitric oxide, which in turn relaxes blood vessels and could improve desire.

WEEK 10 (5-11 MAR)

Improve her ball skills

Celebrate the rugby season by kicking off with some ball work. “She should cup your testes, then roll them around as though they were a pair of ripe plums,” says Quilliam. For added sensation, have her rub ice cubes (wrapped in a pair of her silk panties to prevent ice burn over them, then carefully suck and lick each one.

WEEK 11 (12-18 MAR)

Hands off

When her breasts swell just before her period you may be tempted. Stop right there. “At this stage her breasts are incredibly tender,” says Quilliam. “Grabbing or massaging could be too painful.” Hardly the best approach for sex. “Run her a hot bath, feed her chocolates and offer a head massage,” says Quilliam. “If you want to enjoy her body at this point in her cycle, you’ve got to pamper her.” But don’t let that stop you doing the same year-round.

WEEK 12 (19-25 MAR)

Feel her pain

“Women often complain sex is painful” says Spurr. “Sometimes this is due to dryness, easily resolved with lubrication. But often it’s because their partner’s thrusts are just too powerful. Even an average size penis can bang on the cervix, causing discomfort and preventing orgasm.” If it’s happening to you, avoid doggy-style, and when you’re on top, keep her legs between yours, limiting your penetration. “The best position is with her on top so that she can control the motion.”

WEEK 13 (26 MAR-1 APR)

Watch a chick flick

It may sound like 90 minutes of sheer hell, but University of Michigan psychologists found that watching romantic films increased levels of the hormone progesterone – a chemical involved in sexual arousal – in both men and women.

WEEK 14 (2-8 APR)

Shell out

Crayfish are in season, but not for much longer. The leggy crustacean is a good source of phosphorus – the mineral that keeps her wet. Phosphorous is important to keep vaginal tissues lubricated, which will increase her comfort level and desire.

WEEK 15 (9-15 APR)

Praise her

When she gets it right – flicking her tongue expertly, playing with your prostate, whatever does it for you – compliment that specific act and how she did it. “There’s no better way to make sure she knows you’d like her to do it again – often,” says Quilliam.

WEEK 16 (16-22 APR)

Get behind her

Use her “other cleavage”. “This is a great way to introduce a woman to an erogenous zone that many feel uncomfortable exploring” says sex therapist Julia Cole. “First make it clear you’re not after anal sex. Then encourage her to lie face down and squeeze plenty of lubricant on to your penis and her bottom. Slide your penis up and down, while squeezing her cheeks together. This will stimulate the extremely sensitive perineum, and she”ll be surprised how erotic she finds it.”

WEEK 17 (23-29 APR)

Work it out

Regular pubococcygeus (PC) muscle exercises – tensing the muscles that control urine flow – will give you harder erections and more powerful orgasms. Studies from the University of the West of England, Bristol, found that men who did these exercises had the same improvement in erectile function as men in a trial of Viagra. “To develop the muscle further, focus on your breathing as you tense your PC muscle,” says Goddard. “Do 30 contractions breathing in as you tense the muscle, then, the next day, do 30 as you breathe out.” This helps you focus on the muscle, and the variation in breathing will enhance control and technique.

WEEK 18 (30 APR-6 MAY)

Workers unite

Worker’s Day is on 1 May. Celebrate by easing your sex workload: use the Rabbit Arouser (R200 from Adult World) to get you both to climax with minimum exertion. This ring slips over your penis and the rabbit’s “ears” are neatly positioned to give her direct clitoral stimulation.

WEEK 19 (7-13 MAY)

A good job

When she’s down there, ask her to approach your penis from above rather than straight on for deeper penetration. Ex-porn star and author of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do , Candida Royalle, says, “I position myself directly over the man’s cock, so I’m able to get the whole thing in my throat.”

WEEK 20 (14-20 MAY)

And the beat goes on…

If she’s lacking rhythm when she goes down on you, use your breathing to guide her on speeding up and slowing down. “Not only will she naturally match her breathing and hence her motion to yours, simultaneous breathing is also a great way to feel at one with your partner,” says Spurr.

WEEK 21 (21-27 MAY)

Wait on her

“Delaying ejaculation and orgasm will make the inevitable release all the more explosive,” says psychosexual therapist Vicki Ford. “Positions such as missionary, from behind or her on top can make it all too easy.” Try sitting opposite each other on the bed or floor, with pillows stacked behind your backs to give you support, and have her wrap her legs around your waist. “Your range of motion is limited so your orgasm will be longer coming, and well worth the wait,” adds Ford.

WEEK 22 (28 MAY-3 JUN)

Explore yourself

Or get her to do it for you. It’s Men’s Health Month in June, and prostate cancer awareness is one of the big issues. Good news is it just so happens that regular ejaculation helps prevent it developing. Even better – locating your prostate can trigger incredible orgasms. “Find it by using a lot of lubrication and very carefully inserting a finger into the anus. The prostate is located towards the front part of the rectum” says Ford.

WEEK 23 (4-10 JUN)


It’s D-Day on 6 June, but you can also celebrate G-Day – the day you find her G-spot. “Most women’s are on the front wall of the vagina” says Goddard. “If you put your index finger just inside and pull it towards you, you should feel it. It’s usually raised and ‘spongy’.” Size and pleasure capacity varies – for some women it brings on a shuddering orgasm, for others it feels a little uncomfortable. And for the really lucky ones it could be explosive – many women ejaculate when stimulated this way.

WEEK 24 (11-17 JUN)

Tree time

World Environment Day (5 June) has just passed so celebrate nature’s beauty, diversity and the wide range of opportunities it offers for enjoyment. Say no more. “The ground is often too damp for an enjoyable alfresco romp,” says Dubberley, “so standing up is ideal.” Have her stand about half a metre away from a tree with her hands on it. She can use it as a support, raising her bum towards you. Just watch out for squirrels – they have a penchant for nuts.

WEEK 25 (18-24 JUN)

Light a match

The shortest day of the year is 21 June, so ease the overloaded national grid by lighting some candles. “Picking the right scented candles can reduce her anxiety and put her in a more receptive mood,” says Alan Hirsch, of the US’s Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation. Go for the aroma of green apples; tests show it’s one of the top scents for reducing stress in women.

WEEK 26 (25 JUN-1 JUL)

Court her affections

Wimbledon is upon us again, and according to a study by Revlon, women rate strawberries and Champagne as the two most sensual foods. Slice the strawberries, add sugar then freeze. Dip each frozen fruit in champagne, then trace circles around her nipples, lips and down her neck. You’ll be on for a grand slam.

WEEK 27 (2-8 JUL)

Quickie descents

Heading for Tiffindell Ski Resort or another ski destination? Training for the slopes also gets you in shape for the classic stand-up quickie. Build both of your quads with ski squats; stand with your back against a wall, feet shoulder-width apart and bend your knees to a half-squat position. Sink five centimetres and hold, sink another five, do this once more, hold and stand up. Do eight repetitions.

WEEK 28 (9-15 JUL)

Field of dreams

The US’s Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation has discovered that the scent of lavender increases penile blood flow by up to 40 percent, seriously boosting your erections. From mid-June the fields of Provence are purple with lavender blossom, so book two returns to Roussillon to take advantage of the aromatic air. If a holiday is not in the budget invest in lavender essence and an oil burner for your place.

WEEK 29 (16-22 JUL)

Pump up the volume

According to research, heavy metal and hard rock are most likely to get your blood pumping and heart racing. “This will heighten your reactions to each other when you touch,” says Quilliam. “So arousal will occur more quickly.” Or simply nip down to your nearest Look & Listen and get yourself a copy of the Iron Maiden album Run to the Hills .

WEEK 30 (23 -29 JUL)

Take a “swingers” holiday

Stand to one side of a hammock with her sitting across it and simply move her to and fro. “This DIY sex swing involves very little effort for either of you and she can get an extra buzz by hanging her head off the edge,” says Quilliam.

WEEK 31 (30 JUL-5 AUG)

You’ve got to hand it to her

If she’s pleasuring you by hand, pass her the lube. “Because women naturally moisten when they’re aroused many don’t realise how much easier masturbating you becomes with plenty of lubrication,” says Ford.

WEEK 32 (6-12 AUG)

Cool for CAT

The coital alignment technique (CAT) will make her purr. “Studies have found that almost 80 percent of women will climax using this technique,” says Dubberley. “In the missionary position, move upwards so your weight is resting entirely on her. This puts pressure on her clitoris via your pubic bone and also stops you from coming as quickly.”

WEEK 33 (13-19 AUG)

Pillow talk

“Sex from behind is great for you, but it doesn’t directly stimulate her clitoris,” says Dubberley. “Put a few pillows underneath her so that they touch on her clitoral zone. That way, as you thrust, she’ll be rubbing her pleasure spot. You’ll both orgasm and your favourite position will become hers.”

WEEK 34 (20-26 AUG)

Personal train her

“Use this position to give her G-spot stimulation while also knocking her arms, abs and glutes into shape,” says Quilliam: “with her on top, have her move her feet next to your head, leaning back on her hands behind her.” This is quite a strenuous position for her but as your penis will be rubbing right on her G-spot she’ll be getting added pleasure, making it well worth the effort.

WEEK 35 (27 AUG-2 SEPT)

Spring clean

Spring begins on 1 September, so clear out clutter and throw out your old mattress. A mattress needs replacing every six to eight years so it doesn’t get too soft, and, says Ford, firmness can affect bedroom performance: “If it’s very soft, you’ll need more power to thrust deeply and stimulate her clitoris.”

WEEK 36 (3-9 SEP)

Spice up your sex life

Enjoy a delicious dish packed with fresh ginger, curries are usually good. “It stimulates your circulatory system,” says nutritionist Farah Mohamed. “With improved blood flow, your physical responses to arousal will be a lot speedier.”

WEEK 37 (10-16 SEP)

Let rip

If you’re having a spring clear-out, keep her laddered stockings or tights and keep your tatty T-shirts. “Rip them off each other in the build-up to sex,” recommends Royalle. “You’ll both love this fierce display of unbridled passion.”

WEEK 38 (17-23 SEP)

Stretch the point

“Bedroom prowess relies on flexibility, especially around the pelvic region,” says Spurr. “If you’re both supple, you’ll be able to penetrate more fully, stimulating the sensitive head of your penis.” Boost your flexibility with this stretch: lie down on your back, with your knees bent and the soles of your feet together. Have your partner push down on your knees until you feel the stretch. Repeat 10 times daily.

WEEK 39 (24-30 SEP)

The hands-on approach

According to a survey of more than 2 000 women published in What Women Want by Stephan Bechtel , a huge number were turned on by men’s hands. So scrub, clip and file your fingernails, remove rough skin with a pumice stone, then dazzle her with some genuine digital deftness: “Using the soft pads of your index and third finger, trace up and down her inner lips, then alight on her clitoris and simply rest there for a moment. Repeat the sequence until she’s begging for a firmer touch. Now let your third finger enter her, using the first knuckle joint of your index finger to rub her clitoris,” says Quilliam.

WEEK 40 (1-7 OCT)

And breathe

“Concentrating on deep breathing can speed some women to orgasm and lead to a much more intense orgasm for you,” says Goddard. Try inhaling deeply, filling your lungs and your belly, as you thrust into her, then exhaling slowly as you come out; she should do the same.

WEEK 41 (8-14 OCT)

Keep her up

If her orgasms are proving elusive during penetrative sex, try the inverted missionary position. “It’s a multi-orgasmic arrangement,” says Sex in the City actress Kim Catrall, co-author of The Art of the Female Orgasm . “Lie on your back, with her on top, legs straight. Lift her buttocks so the head of your penis touches her clitoris, then get her to push her pelvis forwards and back.”

WEEK 42 (15-21 OCT)

Come Again

A State University of New York study has shown that men can learn to climax and keep their erections for up to 10 orgasms before ejaculating. “You need to repeatedly approach the point of no return, then take your hand off or pull out just before,” says Quilliam. “Stimulate and rest; stimulate and rest.” According to the study, this helps men separate orgasm from ejaculation. If you haven’t got the self-control to keep the wolf from the door yourself, ask your partner to help out. She’ll enjoy being the one in the driving seat for a change.

WEEK 43 (22-28 OCT)

Sweat on it

Your armpits contain an aroma that can send her into a sexual frenzy, according to a Berne University study. So wash and use a no-fragrance deodorant (not antiperspirant) to allow your natural, nonstale odours to get to her nostrils. And skip the braai: odour of charcoal smoke produces a 14 percent reduction in vaginal blood flow.

WEEK 44 (29 OCT-4 NOV)

Be a sweetie pie

Halloween is the perfect time to cook up an unusual aphrodisiac. According to the US’s Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation, the combination of cinnamon, nutmeg and ginger that make up the odour of pumpkin pie gets blood flowing to her vagina.

WEEK 45 (5-11 NOV)

Keep on running

A University of Washington study found a quick 20-minute workout primes our bodies for sex. It seems cardiovascular workouts increase blood flow to all your body parts – including your genitals. Go for a jog as soon as you get home to help you de-stress and warm you up for the horizontal variety.

WEEK 46 (12-18 NOV)

Step into the light

Just 15 minutes of sunshine is enough to trigger the release of relaxing, moodboosting serotonin. And this will precondition you both for easy orgasms. In South Africa we have an average of nine hours of sunshine a day, your climax is just a step outside into that glorious summer sun.

WEEK 47 (19-25 NOV)

Rise with the cock

“Men and women experience highest testosterone levels in the morning,” says Ford. “And testosterone creates more powerful orgasms.” So make the most of the earlier dawns – at this time of year sunrise is before 6am.

WEEK 48 (26 NOV-2 DEC)

Make your day

Pay as much attention to your genital grooming as you do to your face to up your chances of oral action, besides it being good personal hygiene. Use a beard trimmer to keep pubic hair neat (which also adds an “optical” inch to your manhood) and wash thoroughly. But be careful, scrubbing away for 10 minutes with a bar of soap, can dry out the skin, inflame the urethra and upset the balance of “good” bacteria.

WEEK 49 (3-9 DEC)

Be a middle man

The sun’s out, her midriff’s exposed, so use it to your advantage. “Bump up her secret hot spot,” says Dubberley. “Build sexual tension with this indirect pleasure prep: massage the area about one middle finger length below her belly button. Pressing or rubbing it gently for about three minutes helps promote blood flow to the pelvic area, simulating the state of arousal.” Soon she will be wanting to massage you.

WEEK 50 (10-16 DEC)

A close shave

Prepare for your summer holidays with a spot of mutual trimming and shaving. “Being so teasingly touched for so long is wonderful foreplay,” says Royalle. “And trimming pubic hair teaches patience and delicacy of touch as a lover.” “The best thing to use is hair conditioner. Porn stars swear by it. The oils serve to protect the skin from unattractive irritation.”

WEEK 51 (17-23 DEC)

Lunar lust

Women’s menstrual cycles are traditionally synched up to the lunar cycle, with maximum fertility, and therefore maximum up-for-itability, at full moon. The silver orb is at its fullest, so now could be the time to moonwalk on the wild side of your fantasies.

WEEK 52 (24-30 DEC)

Stay off the scent

Go easy on the aftershave she gave you for Christmas. According to scent guru Alan Hirsch, male colognes actually decrease vaginal blood flow. And not just the cheap cologne you got from a cousin.


Party prepared

New Year’s Eve means lots of parties and Champagne, which leads to lots of sexual encounters. Have fun but play it safe. Make sure you have enough protection to celebrate the new year as many times as you like.