Just be cool.
– By Andrew Daniels
I’ll bet you’re still following at least one of these rules from the douchebag playbook without realising it. Luckily, we’re here to help you flag the problem before it festers out of control. Here are 19 of the lamest things you don’t know you’re doing.
Nip them in the bud now, and we’ll be one step closer to a douche-free world.
1. YOU KEEP HARPING ON ABOUT YOUR FANTASY TEAM.
Oh yeah, you played Cristiano Ronaldo last night? Impressive foresight there, bud. It’s hard enough to keep track of our own fake rosters. Nobody cares about yours.
2. YOU CALL PEOPLE NICKNAMES LIKE “BOSS” AND “CHAMP.”
People don’t even call their bosses “boss.” You’re allowed to call The Rock “The People’s Champ,” but that’s it.
3. YOU HAVE THESE NUTS HANGING FROM THE BACK OF YOUR TRUCK.
Women think you’re compensating. Other guys want to give ‘em a swift kick.
4. YOU KEEP THE STICKERS ON YOUR FLAT-BRIMMED CAP.
We know how much it costs.
5. YOU GRUNT WHILE DOING CURLS.
If you’re a powerlifter moving some serious weight, it makes sense. Otherwise, save the sounds for your bedroom.
6. YOU TAKE SELFIES IN THE BATHROOM.
Ever look into a man’s face after he’s dropped a load? It ain’t exactly flattering.
7. YOU TIP THE BARE MINIMUM.
In case you’re wondering why it’s taken 20 minutes to get your second drink…
8. YOU WEAR YOUR SUNGLASSES INSIDE—OR WORSE, AT NIGHT.
You’re not Jack Nicholson, and you’re (probably) not Corey Hart.
9. YOU’RE A NAMEDROPPER.
Hate to tell you, but your CEO buddy met 300 other guys at that networking event last month.
10. YOU KEEP EMPTY LIQUOR BOTTLES AND DISPLAY THEM LIKE TROPHIES.
Aren’t they just reminders of awful hangovers?
11. YOU TEXT DURING DATES.
Have fun watching porn on your iPhone tonight.
12. YOU GIVE SPOILERS WITHOUT WARNING.
Let us be disappointed by Homeland at our own pace, okay?
13. YOU WEAR A CELL-PHONE HOLSTER.
Oh, dude. No.
14. YOU ASK YOUR FRIENDS TO WATCH “THIS SUPER-QUICK, SUPER-FUNNY VIDEO ON YOUTUBE.”
It’s the longest, least funny video on YouTube. Guaranteed.
15. YOU GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE.
That’s what Dr. Phil is for.
16. YOU INSTAGRAM EVERYTHING YOU EAT.
That 37th photo of your eggs belongs in the friggin’ Louvre.
17. YOU STILL QUOTE BORAT.
Let it go. Even Sacha Baron Cohen has moved on.
18. YOU BUY JEANS WITH HOLES IN THEM.
We would have ripped ‘em up for free.
19. YOU TAKE THE LAST SLICE.
Hey, we were going to eat that!
Originally published on menshealth.com
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