Before The World Ends
1 A cheap, fun-to-drive electric car
It’s not too much to ask, is it? Failing that…
2 Vast oil reserves discovered beneath the sands of kuruman
Look, if our cars can’t go green, then the very least the Fates can do is give us a homegrown petrol/diesel supply – preferably in a part of the country that could use the economic boost.
3 We build the mzansi cloud breaker
While we’re writing our End of Days wish lists, the discovery of oil in South Africa brings in massive amounts of petrodollars, financing the construction of the tallest building in the world – and finally giving Joburgers a (distant) sea view.
4 Better apps in itunes’ za store
Angry Birds? Cheap EA games? Sorry, boet unless you have an overseas credit card (or don’t mind doing some identity theft), your iPad and iPhone are stuck with a sadly limited range of decent apps. Any chance of an upgrade before we all meet our maker?
5 South Africans care about cricket again
Recent AMPS research found that 81% of South Africans have “no interest” in cricket. Considering that the Proteas are a pretty decent side (this summer they bowled Australia out for 47 in a Test, and Sri Lanka for 43 in an ODI), would it be the end of the world to get the boys some more support?
6 Visa-free travel for all
Knowing that we don’t have much time left, governments allow international travellers to cross borders with full background checks, but without expensive visas.
7 Facebook remains unchanged
“OMG you guys! The world just ended but my Facebook privacy setting didn’t change unannounced overnight. I can still find my photo albums, and my friends list is exactly where it was this time yesterday.” Seven billion people like this.
8 Telemarketing becomes a criminal offence
Seeing as we only have nine months left on Earth, how about we don’t get to spend any of that time telling a complete stranger that thank you but no, we don’t want to buy a third cellphone contract.
9 Kaiser Chiefs win the PSL
The Amakhozi’s record since 1996/97 reads: 2nd, 2nd, 2nd, 3rd, 2nd, 9th, 6th, 1st, 1st, 3rd, 9th, 6th, 3rd, 3rd, 3rd. Before we all meet our doom, let’s see them win the league one last time…?
10 The ETV guy announces the news
“Tonight! On E! The end! Of the world!” If we have to hear the bad news, we want to hear it from the velvet voice of Nimrod Nkosi.
11 Queen rocks soccer city
Okay, so Freddie Mercury died in 1991 and John Deacon retired in 1997. (Psht. Details…) But before the apocalyptic asteroid strikes our home planet, can’t we have just one reunion show? Preferably here in South Africa? Failing that, we’ll take Pink Floyd.
12 The cape crusaders support the home team
As time runs down on the Doomsday clock, South African rugby fans realise that life, or what’s left of it – feels so much better when you support the local team. Dan Carter is roundly booed at Newlands, the NMB Stadium echoes the chorus of “Shosholoza”, and sales of All Blacks jerseys plummet.
13 Beer is found to be good for you
In a final, cathartic sign of the Apocalypse, researchers at the University of the Free State find conclusive proof that beer is the best form of nutrition available to man and, in a final gesture of goodwill to the people, our oil-enriched government offers free taps of the golden nectar to all citizens.