8 Ways to Tell If Your Marriage Is Over
Is your relationship in trouble? If she married another guy, it probably is, yeah
It’s been claimed that half of all marriages end in divorce. That statistic might be overblown, and maybe it’s even larger than that. Maybe it’s more like 78%. Well, why not? What are you, a scientist? I’ve written stories about how couples that steal cheese might have better relationships. I’m practically an authority! Take a moment to consider these signs your marriage might be in trouble.
You Lean in For a Kiss and She Gags
We all hit peaks and valleys in our sex lives. I didn’t have sex for seventeen whole years once. Couples typically find that their sex lives peak early on—hence the “honeymoon phase”—and gradually loses steam. Now, if so much steam leaves the relationship that your wife nearly vomits when you try to kiss her, take that as a sign that things aren’t going well. Because if the sight of your puckered lips makes her want to hurl, just imagine what the sight of your penis makes her want to do.
She’s Emptied Your Bank Account
This one’s subtle, but it’s another common sign that the Marriagetown Express might be headed towards Divorceville. You log in to check your account balance and find it completely barren. You call your wife to ask if she knows anything about it. A man answers her phone and grumbles, “Don’t call this number anymore, bub.”
A Lawyer Is Handing You Divorce Papers As You Read This
Lawyers are great indicators for a relationship gone sour. They’re the unofficial grim reapers of marriage. So when one hands you a fat stack of divorce papers and says, “Cheryl wants out,” that’s when your brain should go: “Ah. My marriage. It’s not going well.”
You Haven’t Seen Her in Seven and a Half Years
The question everyone wants to know: How long does my wife need to be gone before my marriage is officially over? Is it one year? Two?
The answer is: a couple days max. If it’s been almost eight years, you’re either officially separated, or you should maybe call the cops and let them know your wife has been missing.
She’s Living With Someone Else
Let’s say your wife has stormed out of the house after yelling, “I’m moving in with Brad!” You can either 1) assume she’s playing a funny prank and will be back in a few minutes or 2) accept that your wife now loves the Bradmeister and your relationship is in shambles. But let’s face it: Her mail now goes to Brad’s house, and her male now goes by “Brad Livingston.”
You’re Currently in a Courtroom, Fighting for the Custody of Your Only Child
Some guys might think this is a fun, family-bonding experience. But truth be told, it’s another sign your marriage has hit a rough patch. Don’t get yourself down. If anyone’s to blame, it’s Bobby.
You’re Happily Married to Your Second Wife
Remember: it’s not legal to get remarried if you aren’t divorced from your first wife. So if you’re looking into the eyes of your second wife and wondering, “Am I still married to my first wife?”—don’t worry, you’re not. A second, third, or fourth spouse indicates that your first marriage is, indeed, over.
It’s right there in the marital contract: “’Til death do us part.” Once one of you kicks the bucket, the deal is off. You might be thinking, “But what if she’s only been dead for a couple months?” Nope, sorry. You might say, “But what if it’s only been a few minutes?” Still over. Also, why are you asking me questions right now? Your wife just died. Do something.
Originally published on menshealth.com