14 NEW RULES OF AVOIDANCE
1. BE THE BEARER OF BAD NEWS
Because everybody wants to hear it, right? Probably not. And especially not from you, when you’re barely able to conceal your delight at the delivery.
2. INTERVENE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Of course, by “intervene” we mean “interfere”. Because the sign of true douchebaggery is always knowing best (or at least, knowing better than the people actually involved in the relationship). Years from now, your buddy will thank you for your freely-dispensed advice. That, or he’ll invite you to years of awkward dinner parties with his wife.
3. ADMIT A CRIME ON THE FIRST DATE
Chicks dig dangerous dudes, right? Eh… not so much. Your bad-boy boasts will either make you look like a wimp (“You stole how many mints from the hospitality bowl?”), or like your next date will be a conjugal visit at Pollsmoor.
4. CALL CHICKS “CHICKS”
Turns out they don’t really dig that.
5. BORROW CASH TO GET DRUNK
Your flatmate’s gone out on a limb to see you through to payday. How better to repay his kindness than to blow the loan on body shots down at the local gentlemen’s club?
6. BE A HANDSHAKE EXTREMIST
For most, a moderate hold of four to five on the firmness scale is fine. But to be truly memorable (for all the wrong reasons), you need to either flop like a dead snoek into their palm, or grip and squeeze until you hear bones crack.
7. REFER TO CELEBS BY FIRST NAMES
Unless you’re actually trying to sound like a pretentious wannabe, it’s probably best to keep the name-dropping to a minimum. Especially if you haven’t ever actually met the people whose names you’re dropping.
8. DETAIL YOUR CONQUESTS
Every time you brag about that lucky chick (see #4) you scored, consider this: she’s probably detailing every moment of your encounter to her book club buddies… and it’s unlikely you’re making the best-sellers list.
9. COMMUNICATE SOLELY BY EMAIL
Why waste time with the fripperies of human contact when you can send a terse two-liner, that’s tone can be easily misinterpreted and later printed out to be used as evidence against you?
10. REFUSE TO DISENGAGE CAPS LOCK
Because whatever you have to say – via SMS, tweet, email or BBM – is so important that it must be SHOUTED. LOUDLY.
11. STALK YOUR COLLEAGUES
You spend all day together, so how can you not be best friends? Send them texts over weekends, be overfamiliar with their partners, loudly broadcast their personal information from Face-book. Go on, what’s stopping you? (Apart from eternal banishment from the water cooler, of course.)
12. COME UP WITH NICKNAMES
For truly egregious obnoxiosity, you need to base these nicknames on physical appearance, past embarrassments or deeply-held personal convictions. Trust us: Lumpy, Pisscat and Bible-Basher will love you for it.
13. INVENT WORDS
Like “douchebaggery” and “obnoxiosity”. You think it’s an endearing vocabularical characteristic; everyone else just thinks you’re lametastic.
14. POINT OUT EVERY TIME ANYBODY BREAKS RULES 1 to 13
Because your role in their lives is to point out what they’re doing wrong, and how they can be a better person. Like you.