By MH Staff - Posted on 30th September 2013
Increase her confidence in the bedroom with our expert tips to kill her inhibition and get her in the right mood to play
If your date is nervous, help her discard her inhibitions by being sympathetic towards an inept barman or forgetful waiter. “Fear of being judged is a big factor with speaking up,” says Sarah Lloyd-Hughes, public speaking coach and author of How To Be Brilliant At Public Speaking (R159, kalahari.com). “People instantly relax when they sense a benevolent audience.” She’ll be more game to flirt when she feels grounded. It’s as simple as making her aware of her feet. If she’s wearing heels, jokingly admire her ability to walk in them. If she’s perched awkwardly on a high stool, ask her to step off it. If standing at the bar, rest your weight on your back foot. “If you’re angled away, she’ll be drawn forwards,” says Lloyd-Hughes. “This unconsciously engenders a sense of audience engagement (a.k.a you), encouraging her to open up.” THE CLINCHER Bring out the flirt with cues such as “you’ve made me feel really good”. Lloyd-Hughes says: “When speakers know they’re eliciting positive emotions in their audience they are less self-conscious about what they are saying.”
If insecurity about her body is making your girl shy, try getting sensual. Talk about taste, music or temperature to focus her mind on external factors. “In nervous people, the brain’s neuroinhibitors are on overtime and this enhances their senses,” explains hypnotherapist Dom Knight. Take note every time she mentions something physical she admires about a female friend or celebrity. “Whatever characteristic she focuses on, link her to it in future conversations,” says Knight. This creates a subliminal connection between what she considers sexy and her own body. She will associate those positive feelings with you and her hang-ups will evaporate. Make the compliment stick by offering a “because”. If you’re extolling her new haircut or lingerie, tell her that it’s because it complements her eyes or breasts. THE CLINCHER Buy her some flowers. “Brain studies have shown they have a calming effect, helping her to open up,” says Knight. One study found that a woman is 62% more likely to give a man her number when in a room full of blooms.
Trying something new in the bedroom can cause libido-crippling performance anxiety. But like any actress, she’ll perform better if she knows she’s the centre of attention, says film director Kate Rees-Davies. “I make sure they see me turn my cellphone off, even before a two-minute audition.” Do the same on romantic nights. “And if an actor’s having trouble with confidence, I feign surprise and exclaim, ‘Really? You have an air of “xyz” to me!’” Seeing you incredulous at her lack of self-assurance will bring out the performer in her. For something more emotionally intimidating, such as meeting your friends for the first time, work with a “skeleton crew”. Arrange to see a couple of mates before taking her to a big party or wedding. Then when you get there, bag her a seat with walls on two sides so she only has to control approaches from one direction. THE CLINCHER “Nothing boosts morale like a smile and a nod during a take,” says Rees-Davies. If she’s holding her own with your friends (or excelling at that striptease) catch her eye and leave her in no doubt that you approve.
“Female body confidence rockets when women feel in control,” says photographer Pete Pedonomou. “Let nervy girls do whatever they need to do to enter their comfort zone.” If she wants low light, man the dimmer switch. “She must feel that it’s her interests – not yours – that are paramount.” If she still looks unsure, deconstruct the hierarchy. “I’ll step away from the camera and stand beside her to chat,” Pedonomou says. Move out of “audience” position and shift next to her (perhaps with a reassuring touch). Offering a choice will also make her more comfortable. “If you hand a woman one scanty set she’ll be less happy than if she has five to choose from,” he says. Provide her with options when trying something different in the bedroom and you’re less likely to get a flat “no”. THE CLINCHER “If a girl is self-conscious, remind her that success doesn’t hinge on her alone,” says Pedonomou. “Say, ‘We can do this if we try.’” It’s not her performance – you’re in this together.
To hardwire her new adventurous mindset, try these sports psychology tactics to maintain a winning mentality. “Re-label any words that bring pressure,” says coach Jamie Edwards. “Switch ‘striptease’ for ‘undress’ or ‘fantasy’ for ‘game’ to lower the weight of expectation.” Next, add “active visualisation” to your seduction repertoire. “When soccer players are asked to recall great goals they access the confidence they felt at the time,” adds Edwards. Ask if she remembers your reaction when she last came home from La Senza… “I get my clients to think about their successes every day,” Edwards says. Tell her you can’t stop thinking about last night or remind her of that dirty weekend away you took last year. “This makes their new confidence the default.” THE CLINCHER Maintain her confidence by offering compliments when she’s happy, not just as a way to cheer her up. Compliments are a lot less powerful when somebody’s on a downer.