How to get in, then get out in five minutes flat and ensure you both get off along the way, by certified sex counsellor Eric Marlowe Garrison

Send her an SMS that adheres to proper German word order: time, manner, place,such as “After lunch, commando, upstairs bathroom.” This will mean she’s thinking about the sex itself, the risk of being caught and the naughtiness of returning to “normal” activities after. She’ll be warmed up mentally and physically ahead of schedule.

The chance of being caught is vital, but you should be aiming for low-risk rather than high stakes. You’re going to need less than five minutes. Factoring in clothing removal and re-dress, the condom and time to orgasm, four minutes is the ideal duration.

Lift off
Start with rushed oral sex for vital lubrication. Then stand and enter her from behind. This gives you easy access to her clitoris, bum, breasts, everything. If she tilts her head back and around, you can still kiss and she can reach back and pull you in.

Top speed
Simultaneous orgasm is difficult at the best of times, so in this situation you both need to focus on your own needs. Tell her to ask for exactly what she wants, a finger here, a tongue there, more speed, deeper thrusts and so on. This is no time to be coy.

A quick, conspiratorial text message is in order, even if you’re straight back downstairs to the dinner party – something to make her blush. The best follow-ups imply a desire to do it again. The more she thinks on it between trysts the more excited she’ll be the next time you surprise her with the idea.