Breaking news: Teenage boys masturbate more than teenage girls, according to new published in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine! We weren’t surprised, either—but in our completely work-related hunt for other masturbation research (we swear, HR), we stumbled upon the craziest self-pleasure mishaps ever.

The man who inserted a tube you know where

A 40-year old man inserted a 55-inch tube into his bladder for masturbation, according to a recent Japanese case study. The tube remained in his urethra for two years before it was surgically removed.

“This is more common than you may think,” says Judd Moul, M.D., chief of urologic surgery at the Duke University medical center, and Men’s Health urology advisor.

“I’ve seen a patient insert part of an aloe vera plant into his uretha—he claimed that it gave him a pleasurable, soothing feeling.” Another man did the same with a copper speaker wire, which ultimately became tangled in his bladder. Dr. Moul estimates that urologists see two to three similar cases a year.

Needless to say: Unless you want to make a very embarrassing, painful trip to the urologist, keep electronics and plants out of your urethra.

The man who fractured his own penis

We’ve all heard horror stories about reverse cowgirl going terribly wrong, resulting in broken penises and shattered dreams. But one man did it to himself—which is even more depressing.

He held the root of his penis with the thumb and index finder of his left hand, then rotated his penis towards him with his right hand, as always, according to a Nigerian case report. He then heard a click sound, followed by pain. He was lucky, though—and was capable of erection 5 days after surgery. Phew.

Should you be worried about self-pleasure turning into a lifetime of pain? Nah. “It’s not likely that you’ll fracture your penis with standard masturbation techniques,” says Dr. Moul. “This patient could have been too embarrassed to explain what really happened.” (And we don’t want to know what that might have entailed.)

The man who died

There are plenty of crazy sex practices—some riskier than others—but few are as life-threatening as autoerotic asphyxiation, the act of restricting oxygen to the brain during sex (usually masturbation).

Depriving the brain of oxygen—say, via strangling or suffocation—is said to increase pleasure by creating a euphoric state. In reality, researchers have linked the fetish to an abusive past, guilt associated with masturbation, and general risk-taking/thrill-seeking. (Seeking a thrill? Just have sex in public like everyone else!)

As you can imagine, this can go terribly wrong. It’s believed that Kung Fu actor, David Carradine died during masturbation, after police found a rope around his neck and genitals.