It takes only a little preparation to create bed-shaking success. When you finally do end up between the sheets with her, be ready. Here’s how to make your first time together, awesome.
By MH Staff - Posted on 21st October 2013
No fumbling fingers, no awkward misfires – just great sex that will leave her wanting more
You're single and have been flirting heavily with a new woman. You need a release – we understand. Solo satisfaction can help with that, and it can also teach control – which will be helpful when your first encounter with her arrives. "When men masturbate, they should be aware of their level of arousal. Level eight is the moment of inevitability, so they should take themselves up to a six or seven and then bring themselves down to a two or three. This will help them manage and control their orgasms when they're with a woman," Brandon says. Also, while masturbating in the days leading up to your debut, think about your soon-to-be partner instead of using porn. "Keep the fantasies realistic," Brandon says. Think about why she excites you. Imagine undressing her. Prime yourself to enjoy her, not some porn actress. But a better way to ratchet up the anticipation is to bring her in on the game. "Before the date, find out what turns her on," suggests Sari Cooper, a certified sex therapist. If you're on the phone late one night, ask her to describe a movie scene she found sexy. "This builds intimacy," Cooper says. "It will make her feel closer to you and reveal what she likes." In flirty SMSes the week before the date, ask her to describe sensations that make her feel sexy. Which fragrances, music, or food? You'll build her anticipation while also showing her you want to meet her desires.
You've been dreaming all day about that big date, but at the last minute your boss springs a giant project on you. Being distracted could cause big trouble later tonight. "The body's response to stress can put the brakes on your sex drive," says Eric Marlowe Garrison, a relationship expert at the College of William and Mary. You could end up lying in bed with your stunning date as you mentally compose the emails you need to send. (Yes, this can happen even when you're in bed for the first time with a new lover.) Your trick: tune in to your breathing. "Studies show that men who meditate on a regular basis have a better time in the bedroom," says Brandon. Simply focusing on each breath going into your nose and stomach will help keep you in the moment, she says. She also tells men to keep their eyes open. "Look at your partner and have her look at you. Closing your eyes makes it easier for you to withdraw into negative thinking." If she's the one who's distracted, then you want to help her snap out of it and focus on what's going on between you. One way to do that is by asking her what she might have in mind in terms of the evening's sexual progression. This will get her thinking about what turns her on instead of her own work projects that may be stacking up or the groceries she needs to buy. You can also do things to help intensify her physical sensations – like running an ice cube along her body. "Focusing on the five senses is a fabulous way to get out of your head and into the experience," Brandon says.
It's the night of the big date and you're a little nervous. (So is she, by the way.) So of course when you meet up for drinks, you immediately order a whiskey. And then another, and another. Sure, too much alcohol can interfere with your ability to have an erection and orgasm, but those drinks are helping you relax and flirt. Well, not so fast. That relaxation may be the result of a self-fulfilling prophecy rather than the alcohol itself: researchers from the University at Buffalo have found that when people are given a drink and told it's alcohol, they loosen up as if they actually had booze. "Limit your drinks to one per hour," says Garrison. You can relax just as easily without the booze, so try to think positively and keep your body loose. Still having trouble turning down that third beer? "Make sure you're having a glass of water between every drink and that you've eaten enough food," Brandon says. "And remember that women are more responsive and trusting of men who are genuine." In other words, she wants to know the real you, not the boozy, buzzy you.
You've started undressing each other, but suddenly she tenses up. You ask what's wrong, but she can hardly look you in the eye. You're confused, and rightly so: moments ago she was giving you vixen eyes. But this isn't about you; it's about her. She's nervous. "Your goal is to help her body and heart open, so you want to create a safe environment," Brandon says. Your plan: start exploring each other through touch long before you're anywhere near a bed. Hold her hand; touch her shoulders and the small of her back. "You want to build up your levels of trust and oxytocin – the bonding hormone – and touch helps you do that," says Garrison. Boosting both will help bring her closer to you. But don't just touch her body – show verbal appreciation. Offer sincere compliments, especially about things that aren't overtly sexual – her cute nose, her soft skin. When they're genuine, these actions can also build trust. "Compliments are like saying, 'Whatever flaws you think you have, I'm either aware of them and don't care or I'm so engaged with you right now that I don't notice them,'" Garrison says.
Generally you want to take it easy your first time out of the gate with a new gal. But what if she's quite comfortable – and suddenly taking charge? You may start to worry: what if you bore her? Or can't please her? Or fall short of her expectations? That can lead to an even worse mistake – overcompensation. "As a culture, we put pressure on men to perform sexually and to last a long time," Brandon says. Of course, you're over thinking. Don't forget to just enjoy the ride. And you can do that by playing off her excitement. "Women who like to take control often like to have control taken," says Brandon. "Try being aggressive with her. Grab her hands and hold them above her head. Or, if she's making you a little too excited, you can flip her over and take charge that way." These strategies have the double bonus of diverting her attention away from your erection so you can prolong the experience with her while also showing her that you're a good sexual match.
There, you did it. Everyone's happy – you think, anyway. After your bedroom romp, she might feel compelled to ask if you loved the experience as much as she did. "We live in an achievement-driven society, and people tend to focus on whether their partner reached orgasm or enjoyed their kissing technique," says Garrison. But it's not just curiosity that's making her want to snuggle and talk. "After orgasms, there's a release of oxytocin," says Dr Stanley Althof, executive director of the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida. "This makes people feel closer and more trusting, and want to touch, hold each other, or cuddle." That rush may also put you in a sleepy mood, but Garrison urges you to fight through your desire to snooze. Address the need for pillow talk by directing a conversation. "Ask a heartfelt question, like 'How do you feel right now?'" says Garrison. If you're too tired for a long conversation, then check in briefly with each other. You can reminisce when you're both more alert for a real talk, perhaps over brunch the next morning or some other time when you can both connect – and tee up round two while you're at it.