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The Greater Your Focus, The Hotter The Sex
What’s the best way to unlock a woman’s wildest desires in bed? “Passion,” said 42 percent of the women we surveyed. “That means being in the moment and not being distracted,” says pschologist Joel Block, author of Secrets of Better Sex.
“Sex is a conversation, and she doesn’t want to feel like you wish you had your Blackberry.” A woman takes attendance during sex in many ways, and the strongest signal you can send comes from your mouth. More than 90 percent of women we surveyed said a man’s primal panting turns them on. But for real results, use words over Tarzan grunts if you can. “You want to reassure her, ‘Do that more’, ‘That feels so good’ or ‘Oh, I love that’,” says sexologist Logan Levkoff, author of Third Base Ain’t What It Used To Be.
Beyond giving her a confidence boost, the extra sensory seduction intensifies the experience. Non-verbal communication is important, too. Bursts of eye contact, lip nibbles and any other kind of physical or verbal communication shows her she’s the one pushing your buttons, not some fantasy fembot in your head. If the soulful eye lock is not for you, bury your face in her neck, run the tip of your tonguefrom her collarbone to her earlobe and whisper exactly why she’s driving you so crazy.
Foreplay Can Be The Main Event
“‘Foreplay’ is a terrible word because it implies that it’s leading to something more important,” says sexuality counsellor Beverly Whipple, a co-author of The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality. “You’ll both have more fun if you think of it as sex play and make it about discovering and enjoying each other, not just reaching the finish line.”
The women we surveyed agreed: two in five said their last orgasm occurred during foreplay itself, not intercourse. What’s more, when asked to rank their partners’ bedroom skills, the women’s top two complaints were a lack of sexual creativity and subpar manual sex skills, in that order. Ouch. Your move? Tell her you want to go three sack sessions sans penetration. Ditching the same old script – foreplay,sex, cuddling – will help your creative instincts spring to life.
Bonus: sexual novelty recreates those early-relationship, take me- now hormones, says psychiatrist Dr Daniel Amen, author of Sex On the Brain: 12 Lessons To Enhance Your Love Life.
Pleasure Doesn’t Always Equal Satisfaction
The good news is you can give a woman both. In a Kinsey Institute study, both women and men agreed that sex without condoms feels better – but women said using protection actually helps them feel more satisfied overall in the sack. Even those using hormonal birth-control methods felt the effect: when they used condoms, they reported a 17.5 percent higher rate of overall satisfaction with their sex lives.
Why? This one’s a no-brainer. When women worry less (say, about STIs), they enjoy themselves more.
“Gentle” Means More Than Just “Easy, Guy”
“That word is a woman’s code telling you to be more sensitive to her cues,” says Block. The more nerve-dense the hot spot is on a woman’s body, the more careful your approach should be. Clitoral contact in particular feels abrasive without a proper warm-up, says Lou Paget, a sex educator and author of How To Be a Great Lover.
If a woman yips or inhales suddenly when you go there – instead of purring or moaning – you’ve jumped the gun. Use indirect stimulation first, paying careful attention to her reactions as a guide. The nerve-packed clitoris actually extends several centimetres under the skin on either side of her vagina (like a wishbone), which means you can massage it without direct pressure to the bud. Trace the extensions with flat, wide, extra-wet tongue strokes or slow finger zigzags. (Don’t forget lube.)
Then rub a slow spiral around the top, drawing closer with each pass. The combination of anticipation and indirect contact will bring her pleasure centres to life. If she coos, you’ve found her sweet spot. If she seems to lose focus, fidgets or gasps, take a step back.
Climate Is Crucial For Climax
Egyptian cotton and dimmer switches can’t hurt, but your love chamber’s thermostat is just as important, according to Dutch sex researchers. “At the beginning of our trials, only 50 percent of our female subjects were able to reach orgasm,” says study author Dr Gert Holstege, chairman of the centre for uroneurology at the University of Groningen, in the Netherlands. “But we learnt they were uncomfortable because they had cold feet. We gave them socks, and 80 percent reached orgasm.”
The socks aren’t the secret, though. “The amygdale and prefrontal cortex – the brain areas responsible for anxiety, fear and danger signals – strongly decrease their activation during orgasm,” says Holstege. “A pleasant environment, which includes the room temperature, is an important part of making her feel safe, secure and comfortable,” he adds. “Imagine the ideal day at the beach,” says Tristan Taormino, director of Vivid Entertainment’s porn series Chemistry. “You want it just warm enough that she’s happy to shed a layer or two, but not so hot that you’ll end up drenched once you exert yourself.”
Positions Are Pointless Without A Purpose
“There’s no need to be overly fancy during sex – the very best positions are the ones that focus on the clitoris,” says Levkoff. Want to amp up her pleasure without risking a hamstring cramp? Ditch the flesh pretzel for these modified standards. They’re all designed to boost stimulation to her clitoris, which has even more nerve endings than the head of your penis.
Instead of in-and-out thrusting, “have her grind against you in circles,” says sex expert Tracey Cox, author of Secrets of a Supersexpert. “Keep as much of the base of your penis in contact with her outer lips as possible.” Another option: place two or three pillows under her butt to lift it off the bed at an angle. You’ll rub against her more when thrusting.
B. Girl On Top
Make a V with two fingers, and place it so the point of the V (just between the two knuckles) is directly over her clitoris. Your fingers should come down on either side of your penis as she rides you. “This will stimulate the clitoris, inner labia and urethra – as well as add intensity for you,” Cox says.
“Have her lift her butt up or spread out your legs to move down and touch the supersensitive vaginal wall,” Cox says. Then reach around to play with her clitoris using your fingers.
(Use a small vibrator for extra intensity.) For over-the-top stimulation of her most nerve-packed parts, “keep thrusting short and shallow, rather than deep and fast”.