By MH Staff - Posted on 17th December 2013
What you don’t know could be sabotaging your sex life. But what you’re about to learn could help you discover untapped pleasure.
- LESSON 1: FOOLS RUSH IN
- LESSON 2: KISSING IS STILL THE BEST FOREPLAY
- LESSON 3: ORAL ISN'T OUT OF THE QUESTION
- LESSON 4: GIVE MISSIONARY AN UPGRADE
- LESSON 5: TO ENSURE SHE ORGASMS (MAYBE MORE THAN ONCE), BUILD AND PLATEAU
- LESSON 6: BE HER HANDYMAN
- LESSON 7: SIZE DOESN'T MATTER. EMOTIONAL CONNECTION DOES
- LESSON 8: GET CREATIVE AND...KINKY!
- LESSON 9: STOP OBSESSING ABOUT HER
- LESSON 10: RELAX
Sixty-three percent of the women polled chose between 15 and 30 minutes as their ideal duration for foreplay. “‘Foreplay’ is a terrible word because it implies that it’s leading to something more important,” says sexuality counsellor Dr Beverly Whipple, co-author of The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality (R211, Kalahari). “You’ll both have more fun if you think of it as sex play and make it about discovering and enjoying each other, not just reaching the finish line.” Your move? Tell her you want to go three sack sessions sans penetration. Ditching the same old script – foreplay, sex, cuddling – will help your creative instincts spring to life. Bonus: Sexual novelty re-creates those early-relationship, take-me-now hormones, says psychiatrist Dr Daniel Amen, author of The Brain In Love: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life (R166, Kalahari).
93 Percentage of female respondents who chose kissing as an important form of foreplay. Followed by... 2. Manual stimulation of her genitals | 3. Manual stimulation of your genitals | 4. Oral stimulation of her breasts | 5. Manual stimulation of her breasts | 6. Oral stimulation of her genitals | 7. Oral stimulation of your genitals | 8. Massage | 9. Talking dirty | 10. Penis breast play | 11. Using sex toys | 12. Watching porn together. Bottom of her list? Watching you masturbate. Touching yourself and turning her into the observer can be sexy and voyeuristic, but it can also be very alienating. Rather choose games you both can play.
35 Percentage of women who said they perform oral because you enjoy it. This might come as a surprise: the second highest result – at 33% – showed that women love performing oral sex. Two percent is also all that separated her preference to receiving (63%) over giving (61%) oral sex during foreplay. You don’t have to beg for a blowjob – she’s into it when it’s mutually beneficial, and when she knows she’s pleasing you. So what could be better than enjoying both at the same time? The famed 69 can certainly be a thrill (the first time, anyway), but in general it’s complicated, uncomfortable, and distracting. “The anticipated outcome is a mutual orgasm,” says Eric Marlowe Garrison, a sexuality counsellor and author of Mastering Multiple Position Sex (R222, Kalahari). “But most of the time, you’re concentrating so much on what’s going on in front of your face that you’re not able to become aroused yourself – or vice versa.” Plus, you’re both in constant motion, which decreases the likelihood that either of you will receive the precise pressure that works. YOUR MOVE: Lie on your side facing your partner’s lower half, and rest your head on her inner thigh. Have her do the same. Paget points out that stimulating each other while on your sides allows for subtler and more targeted motions.
Reverse Cowgirl The position she’d most like to try, along with sitting in your lap, facing you. According to the female respondents, Cowgirl is still riding high in top spot (the same as last year’s survey), but plain old vanilla Missionary has been bumped down the rankings of preferred sex positions. But all is not lost: Missionary’s sexier sibling, the Legs-Up Missionary, got plenty of votes. It’s the guys’ top pick, followed by Cowgirl. Seated Rear Entry was the least favourite for both sexes. Here are her other favourites… Cowgirl: 26, missionary with legs up: 19, kneeling doggy-style: 19, sitting on your lap facing you: 13, missionary: 10, spooning: 4, reverse cowgirl: 3, standing doggy-style: 3, standing: 1.
1 out of 2 The number of women who typically orgasm during sex. Almost double the amount of women say they have three or more orgasms than none at all. A survey of sex therapists in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that seven to 13 minutes is the “desirable” length for intercourse. This might shock you, especially if you’re the kind of guy who’s spent years trying to learn how to last longer in the sack. The truth is that most of the time it’s going to take much more than just intercourse to heat her up and send her over the top. Varied action will drive her crazy, says Paget. “The majority of women would rather have intense stimulation for a shorter period of time than continuous and unending sensation,” Men and women reach orgasm through different paths. While a man’s arousal is like a pyramid, continuously growing until climax, “a woman’s arousal is like a staircase. She needs to build, plateau, build, plateau,” says Paget. This means you’ll need to mix it up a bit. “Get out of the genital sex mode and into the sex play mode,” Garrison says. “Many people think oral sex has to come before penetration. Instead, use lots of sex play in general – kissing, squeezing, oral sex and so on. And do this before, during, after, or even in lieu of penetration.” The great news here is that you can still have sex for hours, as long as you think of sex as any time spent rolling around naked together rather than just intercourse.
33 The percentage of women – in the majority by a margin of 10% – who said that clitoral stimulation by you was most likely to make them orgasm. Only half of all women can reach orgasm when sex lasts 10 minutes or less, according to a 2009 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. That means that during a quickie, you’ll probably finish and she won’t. “Most younger women want their partners to slow down and use their hands and mouths more,” explains Dr Juliet Richters, an Australian sex researcher who surveyed more than 19 000 people for her book Doing It Down Under: The Sexual Lives of Australians (R222, eBook, Kalahari). In her survey, more than 90% of women were able to reach orgasm when their partners used only oral and manual stimulation. If you’re worried about 20-plus minutes of exhausting tongue-lapping, though, don’t go faster – it won’t make her reach orgasm sooner. If anything, slow down. The gentler and slower and more consistent you are, the quicker she’ll arrive. Another option: enlist help. A small vibrator on her clitoris and your moist lips everywhere else should do the job.
Q: How do you feel about sex toys? A: It’s an essential part of my sex life. Females: 7 | Males: 2. Since she’s not getting any emotional feedback from Mr Rabbit, the survey confirmed that you don’t have to be intimidated by her sex toys. The majority of female respondents said that they’re comfortable with sex toys, but don’t always want them in bed. The most important element to please her is emotional connection. That’s followed, in order, by your thrusting technique, foreplay, your oral sex technique, the duration of intercourse and – lastly – your penis size. YOUR MOVE: Instead of in-and-out thrusting, "have her grind against you in circles," says expert Tracey Cox, author of Hot Sex: How To Do It (R149, Kalahari) . "Keep as much of the base of your penis in contact with her outer lips as possible." Another option: place two or three pillows under her butt to lift it off the bed at an angle. You'll rub against her more when thrusting.
Perhaps you have 50 Shades of Grey to thank, but our respondents were not afraid to experiment (and, coincidentally, were pretty keen to use restraints). Here’s the list of erotic acts that she’s tried and what she’d like on the menu… EROTIC ACT - dirty talk: 64 (her) | 71 (him), been spanked: 45 (her) | 68 (him), used a vibrator on me: 48 (her) | 37 (him), been tied up: 29 (her) | 34 (him), spanked him: 27 (her) | 28 (him), tied him up: 25 (her) | 26 (him), used handcuffs: 20 (her) | 17 (him), used a vibrator on him: 14 (her) | 9 (him), threesome with another woman: 7 (her) | 11 (him), threesome with another man: 6 (her) | 7 (him), watched porn with a partner: 61, Phone/SMS/Skype/Chatroom sex: 53, One night stand: 52, Had anal sex: 35, Filmed/photographed yourselves: 33, Same-sex experiences: 15, Tried asphyxiation: 2.
3 out of 5 Women who have never lied about their “Number” (of sexual partners). Nine percent of the men we surveyed have had 26 or more sexual partners, whereas only four percent of the women surveyed claim to have as many notches on their proverbial bedposts. In fact, the majority of the women’s results ranged from one partner (the most) to five, with lowest results ranking being between 16 and 25 partners. The guys’ numbers, on the other hand, only started tapering off after 17. Women whose personalities are very warm or very cold – and also dominant – tend to have more sexual partners, a study in the Journal of Research in Personality found. Warm women may seek emotional connections through sex, says psychologist and study author Dr Patrick Markey. Colder women often don’t pursue affection, so they may seek more partners and less commitment.
3 Percentage of women who say they "fake it" every time. What’s your primary goal during sex? For guys, it’s her orgasm. For women, it’s connecting with their partner. In fact, she rated having fun as being more important than either you or her achieving orgasm. Lighten up! Desperation sinks her sex drive. A 2008 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that stress about sexual performance significantly decreases female arousal. “Whatever you do, don’t look up and ask, ‘Are you close?’ or ‘Did you come?’” Whipple says. “It’s distracting, and it adds unnecessary pressure.” See if you’re on the right track by asking questions such as, “Do you like that?” and “Should I keep doing that?” instead. And if you’re waiting for her to reach orgasm during penetration, it’s sometimes better to finish first, rather than holding out for half an hour. “Women don’t have orgasms every time, and they know it’s not necessarily their partner’s fault,” Whipple says. Take turns, Levkoff says. “You can always go back and use your hands and fingers to please her, if she’s still turned on.”