Here is everything you wanted to know about sex but were too afraid to type into Google. So shut the laptop. Allow us to clear up a few things for you 
– and keep your internet history clean.

Does oral sex 
give you mouth 
cancer?

There is some truth here. “Men who’ve had oral sex with four or 
more people are at increased risk,” says Dr Sebastian Winckler, doctor at dred.com. But heavy drinking and smoking are still far bigger factors, so going down on her is up to you.

How much 
should I tip 
a hooker?

“Rounding up is a good rule of thumb, with the taxi fare home as a suggested minimum,” says phone-sex operator Sabrina Morgan. Sex workers do incur expenses, and a man who takes care of those little details will always be remembered.

What does it 
mean if a woman 
cries during sex?

Important distinction here: “If she’s crying prior to climax, you need 
to stop and ask what’s wrong,” 
says Quilliam. “If she cries after orgasm – but insists she’s okay – she might just be ‘a crier’. It’s 
actually a compliment.”

How can I 
make condoms 
feel less like condoms?

Add a dab of lube (Durex Play 
Feel, R73, Clicks) to the tip 
of your penis before you put 
it on, suggests sex columnist 
Nichi Hodgson.

What’s the right number of dates before we can 
have anal sex?

“The first date is fine,” says Hodgson. “If that’s what you both want. There’s no customary waiting time for any sexual practice.” You’re not queuing for a prescription.

How do I have a threesome 
without ruining my marriage?

You probably can’t. Not the answer you were hoping for? There are some exceptions. “For many it’s best to do it in a sex club where there are parameters and people to guide you,” says relationship counsellor Susan Quilliam.
“If you’re both willing, then you should be 
okay to proceed. For most people it goes 
wrong because it’s code for ‘Our sex life is 
dull and I’m not sure I’m in love with you.’”

Is my dick big enough?

Big enough for what? “Remember, most women can’t orgasm from just your penis, no matter how big it is,” says Justin Hancock of Bish sexual health service. If you want to maximise its G-spot-stimulating effects, try “lazy doggy style”. From classic doggy position ask her to slip down onto her elbows. This will tilt her pelvis to the ideal angle.

Yeah, but is there a way I can make it bigger?

“Surgery and penis pumps 
are both options,” says
Winckler. Just not good 
ones. “Surgery is complicated and there’s a possibility 
you’ll never be able to 
have sex again.” (Do you want to take that risk?) In which 
case, less really is more.

How do I give 
her a facial?

Ask her – and do it before you get 
to the point-of-no-return, cock-in-face part. Watch some porn together that you know ends with a money shot then ask whether it turns her 
on. “Don’t be coy,” says Hodgson. 
“She’s either into it or she’s not.” If not, make sure to adjust your firing 
coordinates accordingly.

I’d like to try 
submission. 
Should I visit 
a dominatrix?

Unsurprisingly, there are a great many shades to this predilection. “At the harsher end of the scale they’ll whip you until you can’t sit down, tease you with pleasure and pain, then give you a “ruined” orgasm [climax after stimulation is removed],” says Hodgson. If that sounds a bit, well, dominating for your taste, there are softer options. “If you like the idea of being momentarily overpowered as part of sex, sign up to a site that caters for these desires.” One, say, like kinkysingles.co.za, which caters for the kink community. DOMS has a whole new meaning.

What’s the best 
way to make 
her orgasm?

First, put down some towels. Now let sex educator Midori guide you: “Use two fingers, curled up towards her belly button, and stroke in a ‘come hither’ motion,” she says. When your hands finally give out – which, trust us, they will – use “G-spotter” toys such as the Uma Waterproof G-spot Vibrator (R1 495, matildas.co.za) to stimulate her instead.

What’s the 
best position for delaying ejaculation?

That would be the cowgirl. Allison England of Coco de Mer’s erotic boutique explains: “The best position is having the man on the bottom with the woman on top, facing him and riding him. She is in control of the speed and rhythm, making it harder for the guy to thrust away.” Hand over the reins, basically.

Can she get 
pregnant from 
pre-cum?

In a word, yes. “Chances may be slim but pre-cum isn’t always sperm-free,” says Winckler. Fair warning.

Has all the porn I’ve watched ruined…

My sex drive?
If you only indulge a few times a week, then no. “Depression or stress are more likely causes,” says Quilliam. Your cure: 2.5 hours of exercise a week was found by The Endocrine Society to boost testosterone by 15%.

My hard drive?
Possibly. But covering your tracks is easy. “Most computers now come with a ‘private browsing’ mode, so none of your activity will be recorded,” says Dr Sam Type, computer specialist at geek.ltd.uk. Malware is a bigger issue. Download a tool such as CCleaner (piriform.com/ccleaner) and set it to “File Bleach”. Rub the keyboard down and you’re done.

Cartoon porn turns me on. That’s fine, right?

“Any sort of sexual material that turns you on, and that your partner does not object to, is fine,” says sex columnist Nichi Hogdson. “Any sort of porn which depicts things that are harmful to others, or makes you want to do harmful things, is not fine and may be illegal.” If your partner is offended it’s a good sign your viewing might be a problem.