When most guys see throbbing-python-related spam, they reflexively hit “delete.” We hit “forward” instead–to Jon Pryor, M.D., chair of the department of urological surgery at the University of Minnesota medical school. He evaluated the would-be penile expanders so none of us will come up short–in wallet or briefs.

1. The Contraption: FastSize Extender
Premise: To add length, you put your penis on the rack. A plastic ring sits at the base, a silicone holder grabs the penis head, and extender bars apply pressure. Use it 2 hours a day for 12 months and stretched cells will divide and multiply, increasing the tissue mass.

Dr. Pryor’s take: “It’s like a tissue expander, which plastic surgeons use. I’ll bet the penis does get longer.”

2. The Cream: Mega M.E.
Premise: Serum restores penis plumpers. Rub on twice a day. Enhances virility, orgasms.

Dr. Pryor’s take: “There is no mechanism that I can see that would affect testosterone levels.”

3. The Pill: Vimax

Premise:
 Levitra without the vardenafil. The pill is said to touch off a flood tide in your penis during arousal, increasing erectile chambers’ size by up to 20 percent, or 3 to 4 inches. (Do the math! Scary!)

Dr. Pryor’s take: “I love when they give ‘doctor recommendations’ but don’t give their names.”

4. The Gel: N-Large Growth Serum
Premise: Apply four squirts once a day. Cell volume zooms 40 percent. Results in 30 days if you buy their herbal supplement, too.

Dr. Pryor’s take: “I love the name. I doubt the product does much.”

5. The Patch: Xcel Male Enlargement Patch

Premise: A testosterone patch without the testosterone. Stick it on your chest or butt and the snake-charming agents target your groin, producing an extra 1 to 3 inches in length and up to an inch in girth.

Dr. Pryor’s take: “No way. I don’t understand how something placed on the chest will break down cells selectively in the penis.”

 6. The Pump: The Trigger Vacuum

Premise: By forcing blood into your penis, the pump strengthens tissue, adding 1 to 3 inches if used three to five times a week for 40 minutes.

Dr. Pryor’s take: “It induces the cells to grow because it creates pressure on them. We have seen this in similar circumstances, like with penile implants. It can increase penis size if used a lot.”

So of the six, two MAY work. But if you’re not comfortable with the idea of stretching out your penis, remember that research shows that women aren’t actually all that bothered about penis size. Our advice: Stop obsessing.