Brian VanHooker

Once, Jimmy Kimmel revealed more than we probably needed to know about his penis. Several years ago, he explained, his urethra “kind of closed up on its own. I don’t know why it happened. I still don’t know why.”

The condition required surgery, which wasn’t a complete success. “They said, ‘Yeah, we didn’t really get it. It didn’t quite work. We have to do it again.’ And they did it again,” Kimmel said.

We can’t speculate on what happened to Kimmel’s penis and why it involved two surgeries—only his doctors can accurately explain that—but we do know that reading about Kimmel’s experience did make us want to visit a urologist. You know, just to get the pipes checked out. You can never be too cautious.

Kimmel isn’t the only male celebrity who’s had terrible things happen to his schlong. Here are 6 stories guaranteed to make you count your blessings.

Channing Tatum

While filming The Eagle of the Ninth in the freezing Scottish Highlands, the actors kept warm “by pouring a mix of boiling water and river water” down their pants, Tatum told Details magazine. After one especially chilly day, a crew member asked Tatum if he wanted a warm-up, and he reluctantly said yes.

“Thing is, he’d forgotten to dilute the kettle water,” Tatum said. “So he poured scalding water down my suit.”

It felt as bad as it sounds—he called it “the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life.” He was taken to a nearby hospital, where he learned that he’d essentially “burned the skin off the head of my dick.”

Tatum claims he’s fully recovered, and his penis “is fantastic.” We’re just gonna go ahead and take your word on that, Magic Mike.

Johnny Knoxville

During an overly candid interview on VH-1, Johnny Knoxville went into gruesome detail about his member. Apparently, while trying to flip a motorcycle in 2007, he broke his penis. Broke it.

Following the accident, he had to use a catheter twice a day to keep scar tissue from forming. But even with those precautions, his injuries permanently disfigured his penis. “It’s just like a dog’s chew-toy down there,” he explained.

So, if you didn’t take the Jackass disclaimer “Don’t try this at home” seriously before, maybe now you will.

Hugh Jackman

Hugh Jackman has had two embarrassingly public penis injuries. One was when he was hit in the groin during a celebrity cricket match, which was probably the most exciting thing to ever happen during a cricket game.

The other penis accident was even more frightening: During a nude scene for X-Men Origins: Wolverine, the director had every woman on set surprise Jackman when he ran around a corner. Jackman instinctively tried to cover up, forgetting that he was wearing Wolverine’s 10-inch-claws, cutting himself in the process.

He only slashed his inner thigh, but it was enough to scare Jackman. “The metal claws had to go,” he told U.K. talk show host Graham Norton. “You can’t have bits and pieces flying off.”

Which makes us wonder about other mutant-related penis hazards—like, does Iceman suffer from shrinkage?

Ray Elbe

MMA Fighter Ray Elbe came out with a YouTube video describing his utterly horrific penis injury. During sex, he said, his girlfriend “bounced” a bit too high, landing down hard on him and, in his words, “fracturing my penis bone.”

Ten stitches were necessary to repair the damage. He went on YouTube to recount the story, purportedly to help other “people suffering from this medical emergency (who do) not immediately seek medical attention.”

Are there actually people who don’t immediately go to the ER when blood is gushing out of their boners? Geesh, you MMA fans are hard-core.

Andre “Christ Bearer” Johnson

Last year, rapper and occasional Wu-Tang Clan member Andre Johnson was enjoying a lazy afternoon in North Hollywood, reading about monks and vasectomies while high on PCP, when he decided that cutting off his own penis with a knife sounded by a dandy idea.

So he did it, and then leapt out a second story window. Because… whatever, does it matter at that point? He cut off his own penis.

Despite reports to the contrary, Johnson claims that he still has a little bit of penis left. “The sensation is still there,” he told the New York Daily News. “I definitely still get extremely aroused if I see a beautiful woman.”

But, penetration isn’t something he expects to participate in any time soon. “I believe sex is for mortals,” he said. “And I am god. So this is a blessing, not a curse.”

That’s a glass-half-full kinda attitude. But if he’s ever interested in getting a replacement, Lab-Grown Penises Aren’t Science Fiction Anymore.