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1. Balls are a huge nuisance. They shift left, they shift right. It’s like having a sweaty beanbag chair in your pants. So please refrain from chiding us if we occasionally feel the need to rearrange our boys.
2. We weren’t looking at your friend’s cleavage. We were looking at cleavage. Cleavage is its own self-contained entity. It doesn’t matter what body it’s attached to. (Unless it’s Mom’s.)
3. Your expectations? They’re all yours. We don’t need ’em!
4. We don’t care if you had a lot of boyfriends before us. The number doesn’t matter. What we really care about is that those boyfriends were all unemployed mouth-breathing heathens who couldn’t find your clitoris if you put your finger on it.
5. Yes, actually, we think it does make you look fat.
6. Complaining that we never ask for directions is like us complaining that you wear heels even when you know that the evening is going to involve a lot of walking. We’re all irrational creatures, so let’s just let everybody have his or her thing, okay?
7. Two things we will never fail to notice: car wrecks and side boob.
8. It’s unlikely that we will ever notice your new haircut unless you point it out. And when you do point it out, please don’t make it an accusation.
9. You think we’re driving too fast now? You ought to see us when you’re not in the car.
10. Being able to pee literally anywhere is like a superpower. So of course we’re going to test its limits. We’ll pee outside, pee in a sink, pee against a tree, let’s try it all. Don’t fence us in. It’s like being granted the ability to fly and then someone says, “You can only do this indoors.”
11. We’re aware that we’re whiny babies who can’t take care of ourselves when we’re sick. But hey, it works, doesn’t it? (Thanks in advance for being our sexy nurses.)
12. Actually yes, we do admire you for your brains. And also, a little bit, the way they sprout your incredibly sexy hair.
13. We are completely different people at the office.
14. We cry. But it has to be worth our tears. Like Field of Dreams-worthy. If Colin Firth ever makes a film about baseball and fathers, then fine, we’ll bawl along with you.
15. You know your favourite teacher from high school, the one you still remember with exaggerated nostalgia? That’s how we feel about the first porn we ever saw.
16. We just think farts are funny, especially when a kid lets one rip in the movies. And yes, we know it’s juvenile, and no, we don’t care.
17. ￼￼￼￼In our world, if you say “nothing’s wrong”, that ￼means “nothing’s wrong”. Because if you believe, as we do, that language is a form of communication in which a linguistic system of symbols or sounds is used to convey ideas and feelings, then maybe you should just say what you mean already.
18. Actually, we don’t hate shopping. You just pick all the wrong shops.