When it comes to the battle of the sexes us guys are always going to be second in the following events…

1 BEHIND THE WHEEL

While almost every single man on our staff refused to admit this, the more modest direct debit to her insurance company says it all. What’s her secret? Well, for starters, she’s not labouring under the illusion that she is The Stig every time she nips out to the shops.

2 HAVING LONG HAIR

Men sporting this look fall into three categories: men that drive old-school South African muscle cars (think Ford Escort); guys trying to cultivate the classic comb-over; and, lastly, men who are either fans of Justin Bieber or Eighties male supermodel Fabio. Worst of all, the men from the last group, on average, pay hundreds of rands for their “haircuts”.

3 EATING SUGAR

You may be the Don when it comes to the spicy stuff, but when dessert arrives, you will be owned. Chocolate brownies that leave your teeth feeling like they’ve been splashed with acid? She’ll have seconds.

4 SPROUTING LEAKS

Men cry sparingly and reluctantly. Women adopt the old Martini approach – anytime, anyplace, anywhere. Hell, they don’t even need to be sad. Tears will flow to get things, get themselves out of trouble and, most frequently, to knock you off your stride. Stay frosty.

5 HOLDING GRUDGES

Men boil over with anger, women simmer. The result is a female ability to hold onto vendettas that leaves the Mafia looking irresolute and flighty by comparison. Your mate who chucked her friend four years ago? Well two of you might have forgotten…

6 CHANGING THEIR MINDS

As endorsed by the great economist JM Keynes, it’s the tactical flexibility that averts disasters, keeps poker players solvent and makes relationships last. Although it also means she’ll insist on trying on three outfits before she can leave the house.

7 DRESSING BADLY

In her hands a fashion faux pas is dusted with dirty magic. A jumpsuit with Kardashian curves straining against its seams may violate all rules of taste, but it’s a defibrillator for the libido.

8 BRAVERY

Seriously, do you know what actually happens when a child is born? A whole lot of things come to pass that would end the lives of most men.

9 HATING OTHER WOMEN

Particularly ones who wear a lot of make-up (lipliner in particular), monopolise men in conversation and laugh every time you say something quirky. Especially if they know you have carnal knowledge of the women who are laughing – then it’s serious hatred.

10 REMEMBERING CONVERSATIONS

True, it always seems to be a version of events which favours themselves, but that’s the prerogative of someone who hasn’t spent all night in the pub.

11 NEGOTIATING MALLS

Keeping up with her as she strides through the branded stalls of shopping malls around the country can leave you feeling like a pensioner lining up against Usain Bolt.

12 SKI JUMPING

Fact: women have been banned from officially competing at Olympic level on dodgy medical grounds. The reason being that they would smash all records because of their lower bodyweight.