Some secrets are best kept to yourself

1. A HANGOVER

It’s the only form of sickness for which it is still politically correct to persecute people. Suffer in silence and focus on 6pm, a can of tomato soup and an early night. Or getting back on it, of course…

2. YOUR SALARY

It will either be met with derision or fury. Plus, revealing it is a sign of untrustworthiness. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, a man who’ll tell you that will tell anyone anything.

3. THE CRUSH YOU USED TO HAVE ON HER

Your recent residence of her “Friend Zone” doesn’t give you licence to reveal the candle you used to (and possibly still) carry. Your pervy fantasies may be a thing of the past to you, but she’ll be hearing about them (and imagining their implications) for the first time.

4. WHAT YOU DID WITH THAT GIRL LAST NIGHT

Whatever it was, she did it because she liked you, not because she wanted the publicity. And remember this, should it get back to her, what she’ll say about you will be a lot less complimentary.

5. A CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

The nasty nickname bestowed in grade five might be tear-wrenching for you, but it’s comedy gold to everyone else. Bastards…

6. FANCYING YOUR PARTNER’S FRIENDS

Forget Charlie Sheen fantasies, all you’ll get out of this is about six months of passive aggression and no sex. #notwinning

7.YOUR FAVOURITE “ADULT ENTERTAINER”

A surface knowledge is fine. But praising the thespian endeavours of “Jenna” (and dropping the surname) says you’re in way too deep.

8. THAT YOU CAN’T FIX SOMETHING

The ability to grab a power tool you barely understand, and muddle through layers of plaster and electrical cables to a fudged outcome is what separates us from the animals.

9. WHOM YOU VOTED FOR IN THE ELECTION

Unless it was for KISS, in which case you should see a physician immediately.

10. YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS

If TV has taught us anything, it is that there are a few paranormal events that cannot be attributed to the malfeasance of rundown amusement park owners. Eh, Scoob?

11. HOW MUCH TIME YOU REALLY SPEND ON FACEBOOK

Or, the shameful fact that you spend any time at all on Pinterest.

12. BREAKING AN ORNAMENT

It will force a discussion about why a grown-man was playing hackie sack in the lounge, and worse still, why he wasn’t very good at it. Best just put it at the bottom of the bin and hope she doesn’t miss it for a couple of weeks.

13. DEFEAT

But, to maintain honour, tactical withdrawal is always an option. Don’t throw in the towel, drop it discreetly. Preferably somewhere you can pick it up later.