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1 Petrol station breakfasts.
The coffee is like bilge water, the bacon like gristle and the eggs and fried goods are dripping in enough oil to lubricate an orgy at a Weight Watchers conference. We all like a fry-up, but if you’re going to indulge, there are better options.
2 The musical potential of a vuvuzela.
Before, during and after the World Cup, musician after musician came forward claiming to have turned the vuvuzela into a bona fide instrument. Let’s be honest, it’s great fun, but it ain’t no violin. Stick to singing songs, Beethoven.
3 Watching non-stop Pop Idols.
Do you really want to spend your evenings watching desperate people searching for theirshort cut to stardom, being judged by “experts” like Gareth Cliff, Steve Hofmeyr, Mara Louw and Randal Abrahams? Life is too short.
There was a time when you wore a hangover as a badge of pride for the excesses you’d indulged in the night before, but in truth they’re the biggest time-wasters. Drink serious amounts of water before you go to sleep and invest in pain pills.
5 Motivational wristbands.
Armstrong justifiably started it with his Livestrong rubber bands, but now every half-arsed cause has a different coloured rubber band. If you believe in the cause that badly, do your talking through action, not plastic jewellery.
6 Sour sportsmen.
They have jobs that most guys would sell their granny for, yet they persist in being grumpy, sour and petulant. Really, Benni McCarthy, Alex Ferguson, Jimmy Cowan and company – get over yourselves and try smiling. That’s the whole point of sport: enjoyment.
7 Massive car sound systems.
Your music sounds kak and you look like a tool bobbing your head to the extra bass with your arm hanging over your tinted window. Instead of quantity, aim for quality. And boy band songs are never, ever allowed. Period.
8 Wrestling as entertainment.
Unnatural “athletes” buffed by self-tan and steroids, shouting and acting confused and affronted while engaged in choreographed moves. You want real entertainment? Check out mixed martial arts or boxing. Real men, real fights.
9 Tribal tattoos (if you’re not part of the tribe).
Having barbwire or the Thai or Arabic for “I’m Easy” or “Karm-Chi-Love-Thang” above your butt or on your biceps does not make you edgy. It makes you obvious. If you do want a tat, put some thought and creativity into it.
10 Reality television shows.
Do you really need to watch people interacting in a house? On a beach? Dancing in front of judges? Drop the remote and escape the couch.
11 Expensive supplements and remedies that do nothing.
All you’re achieving is a different hue of piss. Can’t get rid of that cold or flu? Start eating healthier and do some exercise. If that doesn’t help, see an expert.
12 Television adverts with animated, cartoon animals.
Big companies, let the animals go! It’s not cutting edge, people are not going to do the dance and it’s not going to get us to spend money. Rather sponsor sports or rad competitions.