Gary Bailey
Ending a relationship doesn’t have to mean game over. Ex-Man United keeper Gary Bailey talks to us about keeping your eye on the ball and coming through a winner
It’s not that Gary Bailey doesn’t have setbacks. it’s just that he chooses not to dwell on them. As a SuperSport presenter and ambassador for the 2010 World Cup, Bailey’s path to becoming one of South Africa’s most respected and recognised public speakers has not been without suffering. He was Manchester United’s goalkeeper for almost 400 games before being chosen to represent England at the 1986 World Cup. Before the tournament even started, however, Bailey suffered a knee injury that ended his international career. Instead of letting this get him down, he returned to South Africa and spent two years with Kaizer Chiefs, winning fi ve medals while he was there. Bailey also tried his hand at property investment in England in the mid-Eighties, only to lose bucket loads when the property market crashed in 1987. Again, there was no time for self-pity. Gary enrolled in an MBA at Henley, Oxford, determined to better equip himself to make smart business decisions. His approach to his divorce was no different. Despite having his marriage come to an end, he kept his wits about him and is on top of his game. Here are his top tips for getting through a divorce.
On putting first things first
At the start we made a decision to put the children first and shield them from trauma. We sat our children down and said, “You’ve done nothing wrong. This has nothing to do with you. We both love you very much.” I rented the house next door to be as close as possible; so that I could be there as a support to them.
On changing your perspective
In the face of divorce, you have two choices: you can get nasty, or you can see it as the natural end to a relationship. People say, “My relationship failed.” I disagree. Relationships don’t fail; they come to an end. Of course I wouldn’t have chosen this path because of the damage to my children, but there were upsides to the deal. I bought a new wardrobe. I learnt how to SMS – it was a whole new form of communication for me. I started working out again. When I was feeling down my mates took me out and we’d have a great time. Write down all the things that you have to look forward to – those things that you gave up, or those things you’ve always wanted to do. It’s a chance to reinvent yourself.
On self-doubt
When your wife decides to move on, there’s the temptation to ask, “Aren’t I good enough for her?” This line of thinking will only do you harm. The fact that she wants something new from life does not mean that you are deficient. Of course, you want to learn from it. I had a therapist and I worked through these things so that I could come out a better person. But I wasn’t going to blame myself.
On principle versus ego
What shocks me is how many people advise their friends to try to get even. This is a bad idea. You may be hurting and you may feel angry, but you still need to make strategic decisions. And guys are good at strategising. The fact of the matter is that you are tied to the mother of your children for life. To adopt any other approach than one of conciliation is making a bed of nails for yourself. Men can make the mistake of thinking they’re fighting “for the principle of the matter” when really they’re just pandering to their egos. Learn to pick your battles.
On controlling your anger
When things have been reduced to a screaming match, no one is winning. Keeping negotiations civil won’t just protect your children – it’ll save you, too. You will feel hurt and angry, but take it out on your own somewhere else. Don’t do it anywhere near your kids, or your ex.
On making smart business decisions
Practically, divorce involves a series of business decisions that you need to make wisely. Get advice from your business-savvy mates. My ex-wife and I decided not to use lawyers in the process. My children were the most important things to me, money was not an issue.
On painting your future
Ask yourself where you want to be in three years. Do you want to be in court hurling accusations while your kids are crying? Or do you want to be friends with someone who was once a major part of your life? It makes sense that I’d want her to be happy. If she’s unhappy, my children are unhappy. How could I ever want that?
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