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Sex advice for the modern man

Dr Tanya Robinson is author of the book "When Sex Turns Sour" and is in private practice as a sexual health practitioner.

What is the best lube to use?

It is really essential for good health and hygiene to use only lubricants that have been specifically designed for that application. Remember, whatever you use externally will end up internally as well. Using the wrong products, like face or body creams, baby oils, petroleum jellies and so on can cause serious infection. It’s best to use water-based lubrication as it works well with condoms. Astroglide, KY Jelly and all other water-based lubes enhance sexual pleasure and help women with vaginal dryness that can lead to sexual discomfort.

I’ve heard that the sex position during conception can dictate the sex of the baby. Is this true?

There are a lot of old wives’ tales about sexual positions influencing your baby’s gender. It’s suggested that if you want a boy, your lady should remain lying down after sex, supposedly to give the boy sperm a chance to beat the girl sperm to the egg. For a boy, they say, make love standing up or try entering from behind, but for a girl, give missionary or girl-on-top a go. If she orgasms before you, decorate your nursery pink. In my opinion, these theories aren’t the determining factor in gender selection.

I’m a morning person and my wife’s a night owl. How do we prevent our sex life suffering?

A couple’s healthy sexual intercourse is all about compromise. You and your wife should focus on trying to meet the other’s needs, rather than focusing purely on your own. Then it’s win-win. Plan something special and be flexible in accommodating your partner. Try afternoon sex over weekends – a time slot where you’re both awake, relaxed and ready to please one other. Time constraints and incompatibility can become quite frustrating when initiating sex, but it’s important to work around this and find creative ways to be intimate. Wake up in the middle of the night once a week to have sex at a totally different time to help create a different sexual routine. Making things fun and spontaneous again will get you out of a sexual-routine rut.

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My girlfriend is a virgin. We’ve discussed having sex, but I’m scared of hurting her.
- My girlfriend is a virgin. We’ve discussed having sex, but I’m scared of hurting her.
  
  When having sex for the first time, it’s important to take each other’s feelings into consideration. I would suggest you talk openly about your expectations and fears – especially allowing your girlfriend the opportunity to talk about what she might be scared of. In this discussion, mention that you’re afraid of hurting her. Suggest that you’d like to take it slow and be gentle. I believe that the first time should be special, with a slow, gentle pace, focusing on intimacy rather than sexual pleasure. This will help both of you relax and take the pressure off. As far as the technicalities go, I’d suggest a good lubricant that will make penetration easier and help you avoid hurting her.
Is there a chance that the Pill will affect her sex drive?
- Is there a chance that the Pill will affect her sex drive?
  
  Research suggests that birth control pills can have the side effect of sexual dysfunction – lower libido function, decreased satisfaction and reduced lubrication during sex. The Pill can reduce the production of certain hormones called androgens, such as testosterone, which influence the level of pleasure we experience during intercourse. The birth control pill increases the production of a protein called sexhormone binding globulin (SHBG), which serves to bind sexual hormones like testosterone and oestrogen. Some studies have shown a connection between high levels of SHBG and decreased sexual desire. Other possible side effects? Weight gain, depression and headaches. A 2006 study showed that women using the Pill had significantly lower sexual desire than those not using an oral contraceptive. I suggest that your partner speaks to her GP or gynaecologist. Not all birth control pills have the same impact on all women, so it’s important that your lady sees what works best for her.
Do novelty condoms really add to performance and pleasure levels?
- Do novelty condoms really add to performance and pleasure levels?
  
  It seems novelty condoms have created a whole new dimension in sensual and sexual experimentation. There is an endless variety – glow in the dark, glowing tickler, condom pens, edible, flavoured, Moby Dick condoms, to name a few. In my opinion, novelty condoms are made to add some pleasure and fun. They can be very playful, enhancing the experience just as any loving play in sex will make a couple enjoy the process more. The extra lubrication that some of these condoms offer, plus the different smells and textures, can also provide more pleasure. Experiment.
Will living together kill our sex life?
- Will living together kill our sex life?
  
  Moving in together is the beginning of having a fabulous sex life – anywhere, any time. Living together shows a commitment to the relationship and this will help – especially her – to build closeness and connection. And being closer can only help turn your sex life from good to great. Just don’t take each other for granted now that you’re living under the same roof. Make sure you keep things adventurous in the bedroom – keep things special and you won’t fall into a rut.
How do I deal with my unforgiving girlfriend?
- My girlfriend and I broke up for a while and I slept with another girl. Now we're back together, but she can't forgive me
  
  Seeing it as “cheating”, even if you guys were temporarily broken up, is not uncommon. It all depends on the break-up status and what was discussed. If you were offcially broken up, the unspoken rule is that both parties have the right to move on with their separate lives and date or be intimate with whomever they choose. It’s more important to focus on why you broke up in the first place to try to prevent it from happening again, rather than fixating on what happened when you guys were apart. If she’s struggling to forgive you, I suggest working hard on getting her trust back, even though her thoughts might seem irrational. Most likely, she’s just feeling very insecure. Broach her feelings by being honest and open about yours. Focus on what you have now and work at having a trusting, loving and caring relationship to prevent a separation occurring again.
How do I encourage my wife to take control in bed?
- How can I encourage my wife to initiate sex and take more control in the bedroom?
  
  Most women, historically, wait for the man to take the lead. These days, men are excited about the prospect of women initiating sex. This isn’t always easy for a lot of women so it’s important to support your partner when she makes the first move. Chat frankly to her about stuff that can be helpful for future sexual intimacy. A good start? Suggest – and even purchase – some sexy underwear (make sure it’s something she’ll feel confi - dent in). Taking a long, romantic bath together creates a sexy, relaxed atmosphere. Massage is a nice way to set an intimate mood and is a nonthreatening way to encourage closeness through touch. Bring back the romance – it’s oft en easier for women to explore as opposed to just jumping into a sexual situation. It will give her the opportunity to feel more in control of the romantic choices being made. This can lead to her gaining confidence in her role in the bedroom. But don’t leave it all up to her. It’s important that you help her with inspirational ideas.
Should I be worried how many guys she's slept with?
- My girlfriend is amazing in bed, but I keep wondering how many guys she must’ve slept with to get this good. How do Ideal with it?
  
  Talking about previous sexual experiences can be a sensitive topic within any relationship. Ask yourself if knowing who’s been there before you will benefit your relationship in anyway. It’s better not to know all the particulars and open doors to emotions or experiences that should be left in the past. Yes, it’s important to speak about the topic in general, but leave the details out as this is guaranteed to create stress within your sex life and bring potential harm to the relationship. I’d advise you let it go, focus on the good sexual experiences and what a lucky guy you are. If you can’t get rid of the thought, try openly discussing your concerns with her. There might be some plausible explanation... or you could lose it all. It’s your choice.
How do I tell my wife I'm unhappy when she discusses our sex life with others?
- My wife discusses our sex life with her friends. How do I tell her I’m not comfortable with it?
  
  Women often have the tendency to talk about their sex lives with their close friends (ever watched Sex and the City?) Sadly for you, it doesn’t just happen in the movies. That doesn’t mean it’s not important to think about your partner and the spoken – or unspoken – rules of your relationship. If you’re not comforted knowing it’s classic female behaviour, approach your wife in a friendly, relaxed manner and explain your feelings. She’s bound to ask why, so have some ammunition. Think about good reasons why she shouldn’t be blabbing. Some possiblities: you’ll feel uncomfortable when you see the friends again; you’re a “private” person and would like to keep your sex life private; you’re embarrassed and worry about who else they’re going to tell; or you feel your sex life is sacred and should be kept between the two of you. And the clincher: ask her how she’d feel if you were oversharing with your buddies. Keep the conversation focused on how you feel and don’t get angry.
How do we have sex in public without being caught?
- My girlfriend wants to have sex inpublic. How do I fulfil her fantasy without us getting caught?
  
  Exhibitionistic sex is often a turn-on for people but, with potential legal implications, you’re wise to worry about getting caught. Popular open-air sex spots include parking lots, the beach or in a change room (see our sex feature “Frisky Business” for more ideas on p120), but weigh up the risks beforehand. It’s important that you and your girlfriend talk openly about public places that can work for both of you and try to interpret the attraction of the outdoor action. It’s most likely the adrenaline rush from possibly getting caught. If that’s the motivation, look at other sexual activities that will give her the same rush but make you feel more comfortable. For example? Try sexual role play.
How can I convince my lover to leave the lights on?
- My girlfriend insists on turning out the lights during sex. How can I bolster her confidence?
  
  Confidence is a very important part of a healthy sex life and it is imperative that both of you feel comfortable in the bedroom to have a good sexual connection and build intimacy. Many women are uncomfortable with their bodies and feel quite self-conscious about being naked. Putting light on the subject doesn’t help. Try soft light. Fairy lights and candles will soften the light and create a romantic atmosphere. Ask your partner what will make her feel comfortable. It may also help if you explore each other’s bodies during the day when there is natural light to make peace with the realities of your bodies.

*Men's Health does not give out contact information for experts featured in our magazine or on our web site, and queries addressed to these individuals cannot be forwarded on your behalf. If you require professional health and lifestyle advice, we strongly recommend that you contact your local service providers.

District 9 and Invictus got stuffed at the Oscars. What other great films were robbed of the Best Picture Oscar over the years?
	Citizen Kane (lost to How Green Was My Valley in 1941)
	Dr Strangelove (lost to My Fair Lady in 1964)
	2001: A Space Odyssey (wasn't even nominated, and lost to Oliver! in 1968)
	Star Wars (lost to Annie Hall in 1977)
	Apocalypse Now (lost to Kramer vs Kramer in 1979)
	Raging Bull (lost to Ordinary People in 1980)
	Raiders of the Lost Ark (lost to Chariots of Fire in 1981)
	ET (lost to Ghandi in 1982)
	Saving Private Ryan (lost to Shakespeare In Love in 1998)
	The Gangs of New York (lost to Chicago in 2002)

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